too angry for words

I try not to use profanity, but I am just so fed up with ... everything. Beware.

Because if this is how I feel, I ask one question:

WHY THE HELL SHOULD YOU CARE ?

--

Why do I find drama references in everything now?

You can't see anything clearly because you're always so bright. Why don't you just leave me in the dark ? Who ever told you to come find me, to come look at me ?

From my point of view, I want myself to not care anymore. You are not worth this pain or these thoughts. But this is where I take Taekyung's point of view -- why am I always angry at you when I look at you, Go Minam? I know my own answer.

I am tired and upset from recent events, and just drained and out of energy tonight. I'm angry because you just don't care, because you feel bad but you don't do anything about it. Again, why the hell should I give a damn if you don't? You appear to, and you say you do, but I don't believe you do anymore. Have you no conscience? I have no more faith. And it's okay. I guess we've just split on two different paths.

But if you act like this, I can't be okay.

I wish I never did it. If there was one thing in my life I could take back and redo all over again, the first would be my entire junior year. The second would be that. It would have saved me so much pain, so much concentration, so much of the love that I gave to an undeserving friend that I could have given to others whom I knew would appreciate it. You really are the 21st century version of Monsieur Meursault. Now I understand what my friends meant when they said I deserved better than this kind of pain and frustration. Now I understand what one of them meant when they said I was wasting my time. And why I never listened? Because I never imagined one person could take it and act entirely indifferent, entirely ungrateful, and entirely unaffected by what I did. But you did.

I understand why you loved Taekyung, Minam, but that barrier he held up against you -- you were strong enough to withstand that, and see the beauty inside. But compared to what you must have felt, I see no beauty in this situation. 어떻게해야할지? Really, what do I do?

I guess the best solution is to forget.

And when I'm good and ready and no longer crying, forgive.