This week is just so terribly wrong.

I feel so terribly wrong.

Am I really that horrible at studying that I really have sunk this low? Do I really lack any motivation that I can't raise my grade any higher? Am I really that student who can't fly any higher than this? Am I really this much below my friends? Do my friends really have this much more motivation than I have? Or do I simply have no brain or even a modicum of intelligence? Have I really gone this far as to lower my standards to subzero, to nonexistent, to ... nothing, at all?

Have I broken my wings?

All through today I have wanted to cry, but aside from being very quiet with my family and my friends, I have not ranted, nor have I poured feelings, nor have I cried in front of anyone today. All through today I felt numb, I felt empty...and most of all, I felt so substandard, so ashamed of myself, so honorless that I am letting my parents down, so honorless that I am letting myself down.

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I have no answers for my questions. And I feel so alone, worthless, without any direction. Where on earth do I think I'm going? I've lost all incentive to do well in what I used to have such high standards for.

Getting into university was my only dream throughout my underclassmen years, and that was all I thought about, and everything I did revolved around college. Grades. Extracurriculars. Persistance, passion and perseverance in everything I attempted. But junior year rolled around, and all of a sudden, there was a tremendous crash, and I found myself giving up, falling down, and just wallowing in myself, in my own tears and my own sadness, my own helplessness.

All the while my close friends, even the two best friends I had during this time, assumed I was doing okay. Or at least, I assumed they thought I was doing okay. All of us were tired but I never let slip that I was struggling as hard as I was. I kept thinking I could do it myself, work on it myself, like they were...but in reality, I was only fooling myself. That was probably the biggest mistake I have ever made in my entire life, not letting anyone know that I wasn't doing okay at all, and not seeking the help that I needed so badly. I was only blindly moving forward in a desert where I had no compass.

If you, and you know who you are, are reading this, let me say this right now:

I am not okay like you thought I was.

And now, this year...crashing, burning, dying, as usual. As usual? Karen 李雙小姐, 你到底在幹什麼? If this is what senioritis feels like, then why am I crying, when I've brought this all on myself?