Sur les amis

I don't understand my friends. Or maybe my friends just don't understand me.

I get that the friends in our little group like to poke fun at me. I get that. I've even accepted it. But what kind of idiotic doormat do people make me out to be? You can poke fun at me, but don't you understand that I have a limit, a point where I genuinely am hurt by your comments, but just choose to laugh it off? Why is that everything I say, every little thing that comes out of my mouth, is subject to some sort of criticism or accusation? Am I an idiot to the rest of you, just because I've never found myself capable of matching your abilities in school, in personality, in everything?

I have a short temper. Very short. I admit that. And sometimes my anger is completely unjustified; I take responsibility for that and understand that it's my fault, my wrongdoing that I must work to keep under control. But if you accuse me for letting my anger out like this, understand that you're not completely without fault when you just don't see that I'm genuinely upset and hurt. Sometimes, it's your own words that caused the outburst, not my own short temper. I choose to keep it from you, but that doesn't mean it ceases to exist.

I've come to a point where I just don't want to talk about my interests anymore. Every time I bring up something in kpop or fandom or whatever, I come under attack for being too late on the uptake, being ignorant in the groups I like, or something under that category.

It's not even just one person. It's two, three, just pointing out what I've just said and twisting the conversation in a direction I don't want to answer. What is so wrong with speaking my own opinion without coming under attack and just... getting beat down until the conversation heads in a different direction?

I am angry. I am very tired of being made the fool in conversations.

[The following refers to one person. You will know who you are when you read this.]

It wasn't until I thought about what you had said that I realize I do have an argument in my own defense. Or are you too blinded by your conviction that I put no effort in to even understand my side of the argument? Have you never considered the fact that I don't necessarily have time to keep up with all my friendships? I've drifted from several of my friends and I've accepted it, even though I'm very sad to see it happen. You don't even know half of what's going on in my life now, because I don't tell most of it to you. My dreams, my internal conflicts, what I'm really thinking on the inside...do you even have a clue? If you don't, I suggest you stop with the accusations that I'm not putting any effort out. What is this "effort" you speak of? Are you even holding reasonable expectations for me? Friends don't force each other out of their shells. Are you clueless, or do you not understand that I've been hiding my unhappiness from you for a reason? I don't want you to know that I'm hurting like this, so I have to keep a distance. I know people are tired of seeing my hurt and pitiful feelings, even though they still exist. You're forcing me down a path which I cannot yet follow.

If you decide to move forward and that I'm not worth the time anymore, by all means, go ahead. I've thought about what you said, and honestly speaking, I don't want to lose you as a friend. I cared about you, and I genuinely was concerned about you when you had any troubles. I would have helped you out. But all the concern I've shown doesn't appear to have gone anywhere. Maybe the ways I show concern aren't enough, or you don't see them.

Why is this so hard? It was never a problem. You changed, or I did. Something happened, something short-circuited. I think you can figure out what it was. I think it was the biggest mistake I ever made.