I wrote poetry on your visage

Today, I closed my eyes. My four friends chatted happily around me at the station. And no one noticed when tears started welling in my eyes. It wasn't until we all got on the lightrail and Tiff put her arm around me that she asked me if I was mad. And I put my head on my bag and the tears that had stopped came again. I cried harder than I've cried in a long time.

My mom was hurt because I'd snapped at her last night. In the morning, she was kinder than usual, but my mood didn't do itself credit. I snapped at my parents in the morning too, and was in a very foul mood. In the afternoon, I checked my phone and my dad had left me a voicemail, asking if I was okay, if I needed to talk, if something was wrong. I called him back, apologized for the morning, and everything was fine now. Then he told me my mom was going to the doctor later that day because she wasn't feeling well. I don't know why that hit such a nerve, but tears just started flowing down my cheeks when he said that. Then I called my mom, and she sounded fine. I told her when I was coming home, then hung up. I put my head in my hands, but no one noticed, since I just looked really tired.

I think I need to stop feeling like this.

dreams and faraway endeavors

Tell yourself you can do this.
Then just go, go, go.

I used to be love drunk, now I'm hung over.

I think you are such a fool. Has a certain something dulled your senses, or were you always like this? I'm literally counting the days until your very unreal fantasy melts down to what it froze within to begin with -- a plethora of foolish and make-believe promises that will not be kept.
___

I am not here. I will not be. I promised myself I wouldn't be. But the temptation is enormous. And sometimes I question whether or not what has been asked of me is... just too much for me to handle. But I promised myself I would do this. This is what I want. If I want it bad enough, I'll do what it takes to get what I want. So why, why not?

I don't understand why I don't want anyone to understand what I'm doing. I think I'm just scared of not achieving it and appearing foolish, appearing like I, too, was floating around in some fantasy that I couldn't achieve in the end. It's not the same thing. I'm playing such a different game, and with no one else except myself, my grades, and my future.

So why, why not?

yoochun, why are you so cute

NOOOOOO. I am not in love with them. gaslkdjfl;k not during summer when I'm supposed to be studying, darnit.

당신을 사랑합니다

I let go of my unhappiness because I have to.
There's no other way I can achieve my dreams.
It amazes me how two dreams can contrast each other so sharply, so...unhappily.

곧 집에 오실.

whatever are you thinking of

Norris: how's everyone?
Karen: Everyone's doing fine.

But you left someone out in that "everyone." Everyone, except me.

I don't understand why I'm so unhappy. I think there's something inside me that just won't let go. By let go, I mean of some fundamental concept, idea or principle that's holding me back from being the person I want to be. I only make myself all the more upset in the end.

I also promised myself I wouldn't do this. I promised myself I wouldn't burden him with my unhappiness, if there was any, while he was over there and make him worry. I kept telling him to leave because I knew he had to go eat/do something. But he didn't. He stayed, and listened to me cry to him through my words. While I'm so grateful that even though he's four thousand miles away, he's willing to take time away from his trip to stay with me in the only way he can (online), I told myself I wouldn't do this. And I hate myself for doing this. I tried so hard in the past few days to hold it back, but tonight, when I only typed a simple "bye," he sensed something was wrong, and pressed me to tell him what was on my mind. The barrier broke and everything spilled out.

The first thing he asked me was what. And I...I can't answer that straight. I'm stressed with work, with friends, with being away from him, with my family, with myself, with so many other things. Such a rough and vague outline. But I could go for pages and pages about all these things. Most of it, you'll find, is my own fault and my own doing. I didn't tell him. And now that I think about it, that's just so...ugh.

Promises are promises. I broke one that I swore to keep tonight. I'm so good at breaking promises. To my friends, my boyfriend, my parents, and to everyone who loves me. Why? Why can't I stop doing this? I'm only hurting people even more by pushing them away. He wanted to stay and listen, but I didn't want to hold him back. I don't stop to consider the fact that he may want to hear. All I can see is that he is having so much fun, and me -- well, I'm just bitter. Bitterly unhappy.

Why am I crying? What's the purpose of my tears? The reason? The unhappiness behind their glazed, ice-coloured pupils? I really don't want to understand anymore. I think I made a situation worse than it was to begin with tonight. I don't want to understand why I feel like this. There's something wrong with me. But I don't want to, don't know how, and just...don't fix it.

Oh Karen, why can't you let go?

listless paper, like wilted flowers

I apologize.
I promised you I wouldn't hold anything against you. I told you that you were free to do what you liked with them. And more than that, I made myself promise myself that I wouldn't get mad at you for that.

My endeavors tend to shoot up in flames when I don't watch myself. But my God, I miss you so much. I can't go a day without thinking about you. Eliza and Tiff wondered why I was so irrevocably quiet during intern today, and both attempted to make me talk. I'm never quiet. I'm always the loudest of us three.

But without you, I feel so empty.

I am sorry.

burning beneath the stars

I have run out of anger.

I can't be anymore. I'm so tired. I think I've run out of sorrow, too. This whole fiasco is actually not that big of a deal. I think I overblew it in my mind. And there's no use being angry anymore, because the people involved aren't even people I know or care about in the least bit.

Last night, I came home at 6:30. I was tired, burnt out from a ridiculously tiring week, and most of all, upset over the events of the day. And what I saw at home wasn't what I needed to see...at all. In my heart, I cried myself to sleep at just 9 o'clock. I was exhausted, mellow, and upset, all at the same time. And I dreamed such tumultuous dreams last night. I woke up confused, still tired, and with a heavy heart. And this afternoon, when I came home from Davis, I penned a huge email to Eliza and poured my heart out to her. I told her everything that was on my mind, told her about my dreams, my frustration, my tears, my anger, my hurt, and my heart. I told her I was sorry for putting all of my troubles on her, but after all, she's the only one who will understand.

The people who hurt me don't even know who I am. I don't even know who they are. What they did and what they said made my eyes well over with tears. But the fact still stands -- we don't know each other, so whatever they do is none of my business -- unless they pose a threat to someone or something that I hold dear to my heart. I feel the impending storm, but the clouds aren't even here yet.

So why am I so angry? Why am I so frustrated, so exhausted, so sad, and just so...tumultuously unhappy? I hurt, so much, and I don't know how to get rid of it.

love like insomnia

I've been excessively lazy for the past few days. There's been no incentive for me to work, even the one that I've had at the back of my head for ages. I'm done with The Color Purple, but I still need to cram for a lot of other things -- Omnivore's Dilemma for APES, the chemistry/bio review, also for APES, SAT I & IIs (retakes), and French homework, which I'm still not too sure on what to do. x_x It's not that bad, but then there's piano, college essays & applications, and guh. I don't want to think any further. I actually don't have that much time left, and I'm just beating myself up for not studying enough. I have intern four days a week, and I'm always dead tired when I come home.

I need to work harder.

On the positive side, about 70% of the vocabulary words that I studied appeared on the SAT practice test I took at home today, which gives me an even bigger incentive to study out of that book. Score :)

commas aren't my cup of tea

Dear you,
For my sake I hope you're reading number one today. It's long but I hope it's meaningful.
Today while I was in Berkeley I thought of you. Not that I don't think of you every day though, because every day, I miss you a little more. On the bart before I fell asleep at San Bruno station, on the tour by the six Nobel Laureate parking spots when I heard Campanile Tower strike (is that how you spell it?) eleven, during the admissions presentation in that petite auditorium, and when I got home and Dexter called me to borrow my glow-in-the-dark sunglasses. It wasn't until he and James came over and sat on my driveway for a while and chatted that I realized how empty summer feels without you.

There are so many opportunities to mess up right now, for both you and me. What more can I say then, except that I'm so so glad we had that talk before you left about breaking up. Even if something does end up coming between us you'll always wind up as my best friend. You're someone who listens to me when I need to talk, someone who holds me close when I cry, someone who comes to find me to spend time with me, someone who knows what I need to live, laugh, and love.

It just makes so much sense, doesn't it? I remember we discussed this. If you find someone who you think is better suited for you than me, you tell me first. And if I agree with you, I'll let you go. If I don't agree with you I'll tell you, and I'll let you make your own decision, putting faith in that you'll make the right decision in the end even if it's just as a platonic friend. The same goes for me if I meet someone new, and the rest is history.

I don't know if I'm just being a fool or if this really is what the nature of our relationship is. Not many people know the full history, so no one can say they understand us in and out. I've read so many stories about these couples -- who are couples, but end up breaking up, and becoming friends, but not just friends. It's so complicated to understand and I don't know if we're one of those.

It's also 1:43 AM now and I feel tired. You're always telling me to sleep when I'm tired and I always refuse you and then the two of us end up talking online for another three or so hours until we both get tired and need to sleep. And there are the nights when you call me at 11 and I hang up the phone at 3:30. I love those nights. I'm so dead tired the next day but the talks that we have are meaningful and they make me feel like I understand you and me a little better every time. I remember the first night we had one of those. Over the phone you said at that very moment you wanted to see me and hug me. It made me happy to know that somewhere out there someone was thinking of me.

So hopefully you know that somewhere out there someone is thinking of you too. She misses you every day and hopes you enjoy what she prepared for you and the three weeks yet to come. And she wants you to know that she loves you no matter what happens.

Love,
me

ton chanson, mon amour

My, my.

Such a novel idea.

I didn't think it'd actually become reality.

But I now see that it can become reality.

I'd be leaving so much of everything I love behind.

Am I willing?

...Not very sure.

I want this opportunity.

But I know it won't be easy.

I don't even know when it'll be time to let go.

Only time will tell.

our world, it's messed.

The post:

❝ i hate you. you’re a fake bitch. you can’t act. GTFO of the music business. no one wants you there. YOU DISS MICHAEL JACKSON ON THE DAY OF HIS MEMORIAL? you have issues. stop going for indie/”scene” bands. you are not scene. do not claim or try to be scene. it doesn’t make you cool. go suck mickey mouse’s dick like you’re paid to do. jfc stop wearing so much makeup and fake eyebrows. you’re 16 not 25. DRESS YOUR AGE. you have some just as bad pictures as miley WHY DON’T YOU GET SHIT HUH BITCH? I HATE YOU’RE FUCKING GUTS. you and your dumb butt chin can go cut yourself again and make the world a better place. fuck you.

& the thread.

Hoho. YOU SPELLED "YOUR" as "YOU'RE." YOU SHOULD BE THROWN IN A VAT OF HAWT LAVAAAAAA okay, not the point.

I was originally really fired up to write this post but I think the adrenaline died down a little bit. A fifteen-year-old hating on Demi Lovato is the perfect way to spend a Tuesday night, immersed in the world that is tumblr drama. The thread made me smile when I read it. It makes me wonder how people can argue over something so...the word is, pointless. You don't know this girl. And she doesn't know you either. What's the point of arguing over who's "voicing opinions" or who has a right to write what on whose blog? Life is too precious and too beautiful to pick at something as trivial as this. So why not...end the conversation, stop reblogging each other, make your tumblelogs both look nicer, and...go and drink a cup of coffee and have a nice long talk with your mother -- whom I bet is lonely, since you're always holed up in your room, rapid-firing insults at a person you don't even know and arguing over a person who doesn't know or care that you exist.

idk, I thought this was worth writing about, though I didn't say much. Back to browsing phones @ 12:30 AM. Goodnight!

Take it or leave it.

So, this afternoon, my parents took me aside and talked about yesterday night. I didn't leave my room for the full four hours after dinner while they were here. I didn't even eat dinner with them, but that's because I had no seat, no one invited me to sit, and I felt unwelcome, so I retreated to my room. They weren't mad, just concerned.

The way I see it, I have no freaking choice. I live here, and the only place where I can get a spot of privacy is my room. And because this family is just not normal, being under an obligation to entertain them, when they're in my house but not technically my guests, leaves me no choice but to lock myself in my room and pretend they don't exist. I wasn't completely impolite, because I did come out of my room to say hello to her parents when they first arrived, which, as my parents put it, come first in line.

I hate the fact that my parents assume that if they get along with other parents, their kids should automatically get along. Unfortunately, this is usually true, but in this rare exception, not in this case.

My parents say this is going to hurt me in the future...that it's "my loss." Maybe it will. And if it does, well, that's the way I choose to take it. But at the same time, I choose who I associate with, and unless I'm forced to associate pleasantly with those I'm not pleased with, like in the office, in class, which I will take with as much patience as I can muster -- outside of those circumstances, I reserve the right to separate myself from anyone I please. Just because you're in my house where I just happen to reside, doesn't mean I'm under any obligation to entertain you. I did not invite you -- my parents invited yours, and you came along. For this particular family, I have a personal vendetta, and I'm not interested in associating with a girl like her. Just, no. I'm not interested, and if you're in my house, fine, but I am under no obligation to see to it that you are well-entertained while you are simply forced to be here. Honestly, you think I like hiding in my room for 5 freaking solid hours just to avoid you?

Think again.

Common courtesy is dead.

I usually tolerate people. Just people. I don't have any special patiences for anyone. In fact, one could say I have no patience for anyone. But I do tolerate people. Who doesn't? So why I fail to show even the most basic courtesies towards this family at my house right now, is beyond me.

They're eccentric. The parents are two of the weirdest people I've ever seen. At least the mother. But the kids...hoo, boy. There are four of them, and the first three are girls. Big whammy. The oldest child is a year younger than me. When I first saw her for the second time since childbirth about a year ago, I had a great time. My parents came away and saw that we'd had fun, so they planned another get-together. Big mistake.

She got me on the subject of boyfriends, then, when I inquired about hers, she shushed me and said she didn't want to "discuss it in front of the kids." Who are you, Mrs. Archer? Hiding the monstrosities of society from delicate, young ears? The following conversation that ensued doesn't even need to be described in words -- I can act it out for you if you want, and if I feel up to it. But it was just so ridiculous that I concluded that I'd never want to associate with her again.

Their calls don't cease, though. It's always "want to do something July 4th?" "want to go biking? hiking? picnicking? jumping-off-a-cliff-ing?" GOD. Learn to stop where you're not wanted. I told my parents that the next time we got together with them, I am not joining them. They're not pleased with me, but I choose who I associate with, and they have no idea the kind of topics I'm stuck discussing when they're chatting happily around the dinner table. I'm not about to get into another sticky conversation with this girl, thank you. Even Taiwanese fangirls are less awkward than her. Ugh.

We are all a little disillusioned.

I know I should be very much happy for you. In fact, I am very happy for you. You've finally found someone to like and love, perhaps simultaneously. I think you two mesh very well (looks-wise, but I don't know her personally, so who am I to judge). She's very pretty, and I have no doubt that she's a very warmhearted person in general.

But why aren't I? I guess maybe it's because my boyfriend is 4000 miles across the ocean, has only been gone for one day, and I can't even stand being alone already. I wonder now, how I'm going to go for four weeks like this. I'm not happy for a stupid reason, and now, I'm just asking you to ignore these stupid feelings of mine, and go on being happy. I'll catch up with you soon.

I haven't shown you how I feel yet. But I'm sorry if any part of my tone or attitude comes across as bitter or jealous. I really am very happy for you. Believe me. I'm really glad that after one hell of a year, you've found a friend to love as someone more than a friend. I've been through many, many hard times with you, from both ends, and I've tried my best to be there for you the whole way. I may not have always succeeded, and for that, I am sorry. I know, though, as a friend, I can only do so much. It's that "special someone" who eventually does the trick. I think this girl just might be the one.




Congratulations. I knew you'd find her someday.

hehehehe. oh. hi.

Well, he called me around 8. I was playing Mario Kart with my brother. My stomach still hurt so I spent some time with our Wii to take my attention off of it. I was sitting on the sofa and about to doze off when my phone went off on high volume next to me and I jumped like 30 feet in the air. Then I was just on my way to the bathroom when I thought, oh man...I should keep my phone in my pocket rather than leave it lying around. It's so ironic I thought that, 'cause the second I stepped into my room, my phone went off, and it was him calling...again. XD

Thankfully, Elizabeth understands me very well, and, being the considerate sweetie she is, she's taking me downtown tomorrow to spend time with me...so I can get my mind off my boyfriend and have fun at the same time. Hehe.



I love her. She's my exception for anything. If my away message says "dont talk to me or I'll hate you forever," she (and Norris, HAHA) are the only people who can find a way to calm me down.

Other than that, he's going to be calling me all night tonight, due to that 1:15 AM flight x_x I don't mind though -- I'm not going to hear his voice for four weeks, so I'm happy I get to in the last few hours. dang, I miss you already, and you're not even out of the country yet! :(