#00?: Impatience

In an unsuccessful event to settle down somewhere and stick with it, I find myself back at blogspot, at square one. Oh well. Not a bad thing, I guess. I am changing my name soon, though.

I would like to number my posts. I don't know if that's... possible, since I have 100+ posts on this blog, but we'll see. I did it on LJ, I think I can do it here, too.

I want to know where I'm teaching this summer. I am not enjoying the fact that they promised us two weeks, and it's been exactly that, and I still don't know where I'm going. Volunteers do not take timeliness lightly, as we all had to submit our applications by the deadline. Why must you withhold this from me! I am so terribly on edge and aching to know .-.

I WANT TO KNOW WHERE I'M TEACHING.

Please?

i don't think i like JGS anymore.

HAHA i am horrible, i am. i keep falling for different guys in the korean drama/music world. but i went back to some you're beautiful episodes and rewatched a few of them, and i felt almost nothing. i'm still in love with the go minam & hwang taekyung couple -- at least, the characters, which is why i still read fanfiction do not shun me -- but i feel nothing when it comes to the actual actors/actresses. drama withdrawal symptoms are OVER. i think yonghwa is the best-looking out of all three guys now, and before i didn't feel any sort of affinity towards his character.

i should finish my work and sleep.

Sur les amis

I don't understand my friends. Or maybe my friends just don't understand me.

I get that the friends in our little group like to poke fun at me. I get that. I've even accepted it. But what kind of idiotic doormat do people make me out to be? You can poke fun at me, but don't you understand that I have a limit, a point where I genuinely am hurt by your comments, but just choose to laugh it off? Why is that everything I say, every little thing that comes out of my mouth, is subject to some sort of criticism or accusation? Am I an idiot to the rest of you, just because I've never found myself capable of matching your abilities in school, in personality, in everything?

I have a short temper. Very short. I admit that. And sometimes my anger is completely unjustified; I take responsibility for that and understand that it's my fault, my wrongdoing that I must work to keep under control. But if you accuse me for letting my anger out like this, understand that you're not completely without fault when you just don't see that I'm genuinely upset and hurt. Sometimes, it's your own words that caused the outburst, not my own short temper. I choose to keep it from you, but that doesn't mean it ceases to exist.

I've come to a point where I just don't want to talk about my interests anymore. Every time I bring up something in kpop or fandom or whatever, I come under attack for being too late on the uptake, being ignorant in the groups I like, or something under that category.

It's not even just one person. It's two, three, just pointing out what I've just said and twisting the conversation in a direction I don't want to answer. What is so wrong with speaking my own opinion without coming under attack and just... getting beat down until the conversation heads in a different direction?

I am angry. I am very tired of being made the fool in conversations.

[The following refers to one person. You will know who you are when you read this.]

It wasn't until I thought about what you had said that I realize I do have an argument in my own defense. Or are you too blinded by your conviction that I put no effort in to even understand my side of the argument? Have you never considered the fact that I don't necessarily have time to keep up with all my friendships? I've drifted from several of my friends and I've accepted it, even though I'm very sad to see it happen. You don't even know half of what's going on in my life now, because I don't tell most of it to you. My dreams, my internal conflicts, what I'm really thinking on the inside...do you even have a clue? If you don't, I suggest you stop with the accusations that I'm not putting any effort out. What is this "effort" you speak of? Are you even holding reasonable expectations for me? Friends don't force each other out of their shells. Are you clueless, or do you not understand that I've been hiding my unhappiness from you for a reason? I don't want you to know that I'm hurting like this, so I have to keep a distance. I know people are tired of seeing my hurt and pitiful feelings, even though they still exist. You're forcing me down a path which I cannot yet follow.

If you decide to move forward and that I'm not worth the time anymore, by all means, go ahead. I've thought about what you said, and honestly speaking, I don't want to lose you as a friend. I cared about you, and I genuinely was concerned about you when you had any troubles. I would have helped you out. But all the concern I've shown doesn't appear to have gone anywhere. Maybe the ways I show concern aren't enough, or you don't see them.

Why is this so hard? It was never a problem. You changed, or I did. Something happened, something short-circuited. I think you can figure out what it was. I think it was the biggest mistake I ever made.

kpop rantings

[this post is like three weeks overdue but i meant to say this earlier]

everyone's very happy for the wondergirls for their appearance on sytycd and i suppose i should be too, but i honestly don't appreciate this whole westernization of kpop, it makes me really sad... i feel like they're losing their original flair just by translating their songs/changing their style to appeal to an american market. it's a completely different style and you have to use a different appeal, and it's just not them anymore. wondergirls' "nobody" makes no sense in english. like honestly if this is what the lyrics meant in korean, it would not have been this big of a hit.

and then snsd was rumoured to have planned an american visit, which scares the heck out of me because snsd is like...the lifeblood girl group of south korea, and it'd be really sad to see them undergo the same transformation that wg did :[

/rant

i'm really cold... i think i'll go put on a jacket. and school starts in two days.

happy early new year

this is,

hwang taekyung & go minam!
alias 2pm, nichkhun & wooyoung.
i promised myself i would never crush on 2pm boys because of all the hype, but now that i understand that they're just TOO CUTE not to adore, nichkhun ftw. ♥

nichkhun: JANG WOOYOUNG! JANG WOOYOUNG! saranghae yo!

(everyone say it with me: awwwww)

hi blogspot how have you been? i've been fangirling...excessively!
in broader news, kpop has had one tough year, and i feel for all of the workers from SM & JYP entertainment and all that they have suffered for.

may 2010 be a better year for all! :)
more later, after i finish this up.
bye for now!

p.s. kristine, i hope you're having fun in japan! ♥

yeah, okay.

what

the

frick?

come a little closer, can you feel my heart —

I don't particularly feel like blogging tonight but I need a to-do list for tomorrow. I'm kind of tired...and today has been horribly unproductive. One/two word lists. I can figure out the rest.

- drivers ed (yeah I know I'm terribly sad I can't even graduate yet)
- supplements
- number two
- clean room
- HAIRCUT I think. I want one :(

I will write about today...tomorrow. To bed (which means streaming more dramas, I hate this lack of motivation that comes with winter break). Over and out.

heartquakes

i opened my newsfeed this morning and this is what i saw:



my initial reaction was OMG @______@ MY DAD.

but because archie said it was hualien and changhua i think my dad's okay. wait, CHANGHUA? MY STUDENTSSSSSS OMG ;_____; /crying

i like the muuuuzik.

daddy is coming home on february 9th.
as in, plane tickets are already booked.

just thinking about it makes me really, really happy, because spending Christmas without him feels empty and sad. I don't think I've ever spent a single Christmas without both my parents in the states. he'll be back in time for our ski break and I am très excitée! :)

I am tired and my mom wants me to do chores. I want to write more but I think I'll nap first. I'm feeling really lazy right now @_@ english final tomorrow, should I be worried that I haven't started the 1-2 page deconstruction yet? not really.

This week is just so terribly wrong.

I feel so terribly wrong.

Am I really that horrible at studying that I really have sunk this low? Do I really lack any motivation that I can't raise my grade any higher? Am I really that student who can't fly any higher than this? Am I really this much below my friends? Do my friends really have this much more motivation than I have? Or do I simply have no brain or even a modicum of intelligence? Have I really gone this far as to lower my standards to subzero, to nonexistent, to ... nothing, at all?

Have I broken my wings?

All through today I have wanted to cry, but aside from being very quiet with my family and my friends, I have not ranted, nor have I poured feelings, nor have I cried in front of anyone today. All through today I felt numb, I felt empty...and most of all, I felt so substandard, so ashamed of myself, so honorless that I am letting my parents down, so honorless that I am letting myself down.

--

I have no answers for my questions. And I feel so alone, worthless, without any direction. Where on earth do I think I'm going? I've lost all incentive to do well in what I used to have such high standards for.

Getting into university was my only dream throughout my underclassmen years, and that was all I thought about, and everything I did revolved around college. Grades. Extracurriculars. Persistance, passion and perseverance in everything I attempted. But junior year rolled around, and all of a sudden, there was a tremendous crash, and I found myself giving up, falling down, and just wallowing in myself, in my own tears and my own sadness, my own helplessness.

All the while my close friends, even the two best friends I had during this time, assumed I was doing okay. Or at least, I assumed they thought I was doing okay. All of us were tired but I never let slip that I was struggling as hard as I was. I kept thinking I could do it myself, work on it myself, like they were...but in reality, I was only fooling myself. That was probably the biggest mistake I have ever made in my entire life, not letting anyone know that I wasn't doing okay at all, and not seeking the help that I needed so badly. I was only blindly moving forward in a desert where I had no compass.

If you, and you know who you are, are reading this, let me say this right now:

I am not okay like you thought I was.

And now, this year...crashing, burning, dying, as usual. As usual? Karen 李雙小姐, 你到底在幹什麼? If this is what senioritis feels like, then why am I crying, when I've brought this all on myself?

Taiwanese pimp post.

I'm not focusing. My eyes refuse to turn to the three MS Word documents open on my screen. Less even to stare at my to-do list. This is the obligatory Taiwanese love post:

--
Dear _______,

If you were to come to Taiwan with me this summer, this is where I would take you:


西門町 - 台北
This is the ultimate hangout place for young people in Taipei. Tons of shopping, and bright light arena, hustle-and-bustle at night. I came here when I was small but I don't remember coming, and I really want to go again. I was going to go shopping there with Ariel and Oliver (two AID friends) a few days after AID ended, but my parents wouldn't let me, because after they picked me up we went to...


淡水 - 台北
You definitely know this place - this is where Jay Chou's Secret was mainly filmed. I saw the filming location the last time I went - amazing, definitely something you have to see when you go there, but it's up on a hill and a long climb up. Danshui is huge - it has a beach that's usually inaccessible to the public because it's fenced off, plus a 老街 where there's a ton of awesome shopping. They're famous for their tall ice creams and noodle soup :)


台北 101 - 台北
Why did I mention this earlier?! You can't leave Taipei without seeing this. The tallest building in the world (at least to my knowledge) and it's still beautiful as ever. I've been here so many times because my grandma lives only a few blocks away. Going up to the top is actually rather expensive, but the view is like no other. There's really nice shopping around the Taipei 101, and inside - there's even a Chenping bookstore on the first floor.

- to be continued, because I got some focus back - :)

too angry for words

I try not to use profanity, but I am just so fed up with ... everything. Beware.

Because if this is how I feel, I ask one question:

WHY THE HELL SHOULD YOU CARE ?

--

Why do I find drama references in everything now?

You can't see anything clearly because you're always so bright. Why don't you just leave me in the dark ? Who ever told you to come find me, to come look at me ?

From my point of view, I want myself to not care anymore. You are not worth this pain or these thoughts. But this is where I take Taekyung's point of view -- why am I always angry at you when I look at you, Go Minam? I know my own answer.

I am tired and upset from recent events, and just drained and out of energy tonight. I'm angry because you just don't care, because you feel bad but you don't do anything about it. Again, why the hell should I give a damn if you don't? You appear to, and you say you do, but I don't believe you do anymore. Have you no conscience? I have no more faith. And it's okay. I guess we've just split on two different paths.

But if you act like this, I can't be okay.

I wish I never did it. If there was one thing in my life I could take back and redo all over again, the first would be my entire junior year. The second would be that. It would have saved me so much pain, so much concentration, so much of the love that I gave to an undeserving friend that I could have given to others whom I knew would appreciate it. You really are the 21st century version of Monsieur Meursault. Now I understand what my friends meant when they said I deserved better than this kind of pain and frustration. Now I understand what one of them meant when they said I was wasting my time. And why I never listened? Because I never imagined one person could take it and act entirely indifferent, entirely ungrateful, and entirely unaffected by what I did. But you did.

I understand why you loved Taekyung, Minam, but that barrier he held up against you -- you were strong enough to withstand that, and see the beauty inside. But compared to what you must have felt, I see no beauty in this situation. 어떻게해야할지? Really, what do I do?

I guess the best solution is to forget.

And when I'm good and ready and no longer crying, forgive.

the post script.

I'm going through another blogspot withdrawal again, and I'll probably be away from here for another extended period of time, depending on how things look up or down in the next few weeks, or even months. Before then I can be found at dreamwidth, which I use extensively nowadays.

Two locations: chingu is my public DW, fairly new, and will mostly be used for fandom. clavier is my friends locked journal, and the one I update most frequently.

If you would like an invite code, do not hesitate to ask. ♥ I actually like DW better than LJ for a few reasons, one being that it's much, much less crowded and I get the usernames I want the most kyah 8D; and also because the name is prettier. In general I've always loved the interface and feel of DW/LJ because their settings are so versatile, and I'll definitely be hanging around there more in the future. I don't use my LJ much anymore, but you can always find me on dreamwidth.

& yes. toodles~ I'll still be checking here but I won't be writing much.

sorry claire I keep moving /hits head :[

ETA: I don't want to leave :[ so I guess I'm here for good.

sooner arrival

i would have defied all the laws of gravity
if i had only held on one moment longer.

it comes at much too high a cost

still as ever.

LOOOOOL THIS IS TOO CUTE NOT TO POST
LAUGHING SO HARD RIGHT NOW haha yoochun ke aiiii ♥

second & third are my favorite.

I should sleep now.

my JoJo

Still caught in You're Beautiful depression. /wavers

I submitted my UC apps in the early afternoon. I'm scared that something went wrong and I messed up, but there's really no use worrying anymore, since they're already out and gone.

I have a stack of articles to grade & homework to do. I'm tired... and not exactly happy.

I hope tomorrow is better.

done.

I finished episode 16.
Without subs, so I only understood the "sarang hae" part.
Taekyung and Minyu end up together (now that I think about it, of course) but the spoilers were all wrong, haha. There is nothing especially squeal-worthy at the end, except...go see for yourself :) Despite that, it's still a happy ending, and I think I am satisfied.

I guess I'm happy that this addiction will stop, because it's rather unhealthy.
But I'm sorry to say goodbye to the drama, because it was definitely amazing.
I'm glad I can listen to the soundtrack without pause now.

Deep down though, I am pretty depressed about the whole drama.
This always happens, and I'm sure it'll pass in time.


Goodbye, You're Beautiful. Thanks for keeping my heart rate up the past few weeks. I will miss all of you very dearly.

such A.N.Jell's

waiting is so difficult.
the finale of you're beautiful comes out tomorrow, but I know it's not going to be hardsubbed until friday or saturday night.

I am currently surviving off MVs of the soundtrack before it comes out.
& in the meantime, UC statements need to be submitted. I can't when I'm in this stage though.
I don't know who still reads my blog (besides claire) but if you want to watch the drama, you should watch the first video :) it doesn't give anything away but it's super cute.

lovely day by park shin hye, who plays minam/minyu in the drama.



this one doesn't have a lot of cute scenes with taekyung/minyu but the song is really good, and park shin hye has an amazing voice.

sarang ge chu wo e-yo

my heart is calling - I don't know the artist name but the song is amazing




sigh, time to work.
hang in there, I can do this!! just a few more days...

nobody knows

today in english, julie came up to my desk and rapped out, "TIME IS TICKIN', TI-TIME IS TICKIN' TICKIN'...!" and i stared at her kind of ... o.O until she was like "you know? EPIK HIGH!" and i was like OH haha just kidding i knew that, at least kind of T-T

i feel like i've already made the pilgrimage from the rest of the world to the world that is kpop, but i need to keep up! ..once apps are done, i will. only two more days until the finale of you're beautiful! three, technically, but i'm assuming it'll be up by wednesday night, thursday on asian time. waiting is pure torture, because i've been boycotting the soundtrack until the final episode comes out so i won't be depressed when i hear the music, and A.N.Jell is losing plays in my library... saddening, it is.

i really, really hope taekyung ends with minyu, or i will spend a week not doing apps and just crying in the corner of my room. i'm not even kidding, that honestly sounds like something i would end up doing if that's what ends up happening.

over and out to homework. but before, love, love, love...

밤 12시 술 취해 지친 목소리
새벽 2시 차갑게 꺼진 전화기
아무도 내 맘을 모르죠
I can't stop, love love love
아파도 계속 반복하죠
I can't stop, love love love

있나요 사랑해본 적
영화처럼 첫 눈에 반해본 적
전화기를 붙들고 밤새본 적
세상에 자랑해본 적
쏟아지는 비속에서
기다려본 적
그를 향해 미친듯이
달려본 적
몰래 지켜본적 미쳐본적
다 보면서도 못본 척

있겠죠 사랑해본 적
기념일 때문에 가난해본 적
잘하고도 미안해 말해본 적
연애편지로 날 새본 적
가족과의 약속을 미뤄본 적
아프지말라 신께 빌어본 적
친굴 피해본 적 잃어본 적
가는 뒷모습 지켜본 적
can't stop love
미친듯 사랑했는데 왜
정말 난 잘해줬는데 왜
모든걸 다 줬었는데
you got me going crazy
can't stop love
죽도록 사랑했는데 왜
내 몸과 맘을 다 줬는데
모든걸 잃어버렸는데 어떻게

아무도 내 맘을 모르죠
I can't stop, love love love
아파도 계속 반복하죠
I can't stop, love love love

있나요 이별해본 적
빗물에 화장을 지워내본 적
긴 생머리 잘라내본 적
끊은 담배를 쥐어본 적
혹시라도 마주칠까
자릴 피해본 적
보내지도 못할 편지 적어본 적
술에 만취되서 전화 걸어본 적
여보세요 입이 얼어본 적

있겠죠 이별해본 적
사랑했던 만큼 미워해본 적
읽지도 못한 편지 찢어본 적
잊지도 못할 전화번호 지워본 적
기념일을 혼자 챙겨본 적
사진들을 다 불태워본 적
이 세상에 모든 이별 노래가
당신의 얘길꺼라 생각해본 적

can't stop love
미친듯 사랑했는데 왜
정말 난 잘해줬는데 왜
모든걸 다 줬었는데
you got me going crazy
can't stop love
죽도록 사랑했는데 왜
내 몸과 맘을 다 줬는데
모든걸 잃어버렸는데 어떻게
아무도 내 맘을 모르죠

I can't stop, love love love
아파도 계속 반복하죠
I can't stop, love love love

바보처럼 울고 또 술에 취하고
친구를 붙잡고 그 사람을 욕하고
시간이 지나고 또 술에 취하고
전화기를 붙잡고 say love

아무도 내 맘을 모르죠
I can't stop, love love love
아파도 계속 반복하죠
I can't stop, love love love
아무도 내 맘을 모르죠
(사실은 당신만 모르죠)
아파도 계속 반복하죠
이러다 언젠가 다시 마주치겠죠

rainy days and gloom

dear karen,

failure is okay when it happens.
the hard part is learning to pick yourself up.
but you can do it.

when you...

find out where you went wrong.
learn to correct those mistakes.
and don't do it again the next time.

i can handle this.
no more tears, now.