Today as I rounded the corner to my Chinese school classroom I ran smack into him. I was only a few inches away from him and close to crashing straight into him if I'd walked a little faster. When we made instant eye contact I froze and I felt my eyebrows furrow. He hesitated, as if he didn't know what to do, but managed a weak smile and waved at me. But I, I didn't smile. I gave him a look that mixed confusion with anger, but I didn't wave back or say anything. I walked past him and around the corner, and we went our separate ways again.
What the heck is wrong with me? Or am I going through a spell? Why do I even care? Why does this bother me, that we're no longer talking, no longer communicating, no longer...friends? It's me who refuses to make the communication, who refuses to forgive him, who refuses to acknowledge him when he attempts to reach out to me and mend his wrongs. I only push him away, and with good reason. But it hurts.
I don't like being pushed around, and when people said I shouldn't have forgiven him so easily, I checked myself and asked whether or not it was something worth forgiving. So when he didn't ask me, I decided that it was time I stopped letting him push me around, and I became angry again. So now, I refuse all branches of communication, and...what now?
If he wants to talk, it is his, and only his, responsibility to call me, IM me, or literally just pull me aside at school and insist on talking to me. It's his duty to open his mouth first. That's the only way that I can prove to myself that he values my friendship enough to want it back. If he makes the effort to do so, I'll speak to him. I'll work it out the best I can, but I'm not going to be the one to apologize, I'm not going to be the one with explanations. Those are all things he must provide to me. After all, he was the one who gave me reason to end this friendship. And I could have, if I really had wanted to. But I can't. It hurts too much, I know him too well, to just throw it away on a whim.
If not, well,
..then I guess we end here.
Understand that I never imagined myself terminating our friendship. We've known each other for too long, and seriously, you're my best friend. You understand me better than anyone save Elizabeth, and I know you too well to even take you seriously for your wrongdoing. Unless there's a side of you that you've hidden very well from everyone, you are the person I know you as. There are no adjectives to describe you. You're merely you. But the you I know is my best friend. You've helped me through tearful nights where I could only choke out a few words between sobs. You've supported me through my first relationship, which ended on a sour note. You've gone on long walks with me, where we've just talked about life. I have listened to you convey your deepest fears and thoughts and frustrations to me. We've hugged each other and helped each other through hard times and through happy times. You have the power to make me feel frustrated, sad, and happy -- all together, or perhaps all within a few seconds of each other.
After all we've been through, I really, really don't want to lose you. But if I really have to, I will have no choice. Please don't make me do this. For I assure you, I will hurt as much as you do.
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