planet Earth turns slowly

I am so obsessed with Owl City right now. I think Fireflies is my new favorite song...I like it better than The Saltwater Room, which I originally thought was their best song. I feel like I'd die blissful listening to their music, it's that amazing. It's also a great remedy from this ridiculous heat...it was 102 degrees at its peak when I walked home today. I thought I was going to faint on the sidewalk x_x

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We don't talk anymore. We just...don't communicate, don't IM, don't talk, don't call each other, period. We don't make eye contact when I make my way over to the group table during sixth period to say hello to my friends there. He leaves without a word to me, and I don't acknowledge his presence when I'm by the table.

Friends. Are we even, anymore? I'd like to make myself believe so, because it still hurts, just seeing him every day. It's been a full two weeks, but I can't stop hurting so soon. I sense some sort of conflict between us that neither of us is willing to acknowledge, and I promise I'm not going to be the one to cede. What he did to me within the span of a week is unforgivable. He should be pretty grateful that I haven't told many people what he did. Those I told were angry, and gave him an earful whenever they saw him around campus. I'm very sure that if I told my parents, they'd never let him set foot in our house again. I forgave him that day, but only out of pity. I don't think I forgive him at all in my heart.

And now this. ugh, why do I even bother caring? I understand that perhaps, you two play better together. But just asking me would have been appreciated. You didn't even bother. And that...that makes me so angry.

Yesterday after sixth period, he asked me the question that I had been waiting for, and I was too angry at him to even try replying. I didn't want to speak to him, so I diverted my eyes from his face, picked my calc book up, and told Dexter I was going home. As I turned to leave, he grabbed my arm, and his voice said "Stay." I listen to Dexter when he uses that tone of voice, so I lingered behind.

But for the remainder of the night, I couldn't get his facial expression out of my mind. When I finally made eye contact with him when he posed the question to me, I remembered that he looked...upset. He looked sad. Unhappy. His face had an exhausted, drained look to it, and I just...didn't understand. And then I thought back to this past week -- and I realized that each time I'd seen him, he'd looked unhappy. Me? I'm still my laughy and energetic self around everyone, but not him -- he's no longer the same person I remember. And around him, I do not smile, or laugh, or speak unless I'm spoken to.

Today during lunch, I noticed him cast a sidelong glance at me as I walked past with Elizabeth. Obviously, I ignored it. Then, as I walked past the bank on my way back from the outskirts of the campus, I noticed him cast another sidelong glance at me. Again, I held my head a little higher, and hurried past without a word or eye contact. I promised myself not to make any more eye contact, but I couldn't help wondering what on earth he's thinking of.

When we're apart, whatever are you thinking of?

Think long and hard about what you've done. Have you ever, for anyone? Maybe I don't know you well enough, and you're just still caught up in nostalgia from the past month. If so, then so be it. I don't know what to think of you anymore, except that I've never hated you in my entire life...do I now? I need to ask myself this question, long and hard. I don't forgive you, but I try not to hate, either.

In the meantime, I still hold my head high. I don't need your false sympathy and compassion to make myself feel better about myself.