小酒窩

I'm not scared anymore.

I'm no longer frightened of moving forward, of executing my dreams exactly the way I want them to be. I just had one of the most heartwarming, moving talks with my mother -- and I've never, ever cried during one of these talks. Tonight, I couldn't even keep the tears inside.

So how do these two relate?
My mother proved to me that dreams come true -- as cliche as that might sound, they do. And I'm not scared anymore. I plan to keep moving forward, to fulfill my dreams...and as a result, fulfill hers.

If this post does not make sense I am sorry.
It's okay.

I'd like to make myself believe.

Today as I rounded the corner to my Chinese school classroom I ran smack into him. I was only a few inches away from him and close to crashing straight into him if I'd walked a little faster. When we made instant eye contact I froze and I felt my eyebrows furrow. He hesitated, as if he didn't know what to do, but managed a weak smile and waved at me. But I, I didn't smile. I gave him a look that mixed confusion with anger, but I didn't wave back or say anything. I walked past him and around the corner, and we went our separate ways again.

What the heck is wrong with me? Or am I going through a spell? Why do I even care? Why does this bother me, that we're no longer talking, no longer communicating, no longer...friends? It's me who refuses to make the communication, who refuses to forgive him, who refuses to acknowledge him when he attempts to reach out to me and mend his wrongs. I only push him away, and with good reason. But it hurts.

I don't like being pushed around, and when people said I shouldn't have forgiven him so easily, I checked myself and asked whether or not it was something worth forgiving. So when he didn't ask me, I decided that it was time I stopped letting him push me around, and I became angry again. So now, I refuse all branches of communication, and...what now?

If he wants to talk, it is his, and only his, responsibility to call me, IM me, or literally just pull me aside at school and insist on talking to me. It's his duty to open his mouth first. That's the only way that I can prove to myself that he values my friendship enough to want it back. If he makes the effort to do so, I'll speak to him. I'll work it out the best I can, but I'm not going to be the one to apologize, I'm not going to be the one with explanations. Those are all things he must provide to me. After all, he was the one who gave me reason to end this friendship. And I could have, if I really had wanted to. But I can't. It hurts too much, I know him too well, to just throw it away on a whim.

If not, well,

..then I guess we end here.

Understand that I never imagined myself terminating our friendship. We've known each other for too long, and seriously, you're my best friend. You understand me better than anyone save Elizabeth, and I know you too well to even take you seriously for your wrongdoing. Unless there's a side of you that you've hidden very well from everyone, you are the person I know you as. There are no adjectives to describe you. You're merely you. But the you I know is my best friend. You've helped me through tearful nights where I could only choke out a few words between sobs. You've supported me through my first relationship, which ended on a sour note. You've gone on long walks with me, where we've just talked about life. I have listened to you convey your deepest fears and thoughts and frustrations to me. We've hugged each other and helped each other through hard times and through happy times. You have the power to make me feel frustrated, sad, and happy -- all together, or perhaps all within a few seconds of each other.

After all we've been through, I really, really don't want to lose you. But if I really have to, I will have no choice. Please don't make me do this. For I assure you, I will hurt as much as you do.

planet Earth turns slowly

I am so obsessed with Owl City right now. I think Fireflies is my new favorite song...I like it better than The Saltwater Room, which I originally thought was their best song. I feel like I'd die blissful listening to their music, it's that amazing. It's also a great remedy from this ridiculous heat...it was 102 degrees at its peak when I walked home today. I thought I was going to faint on the sidewalk x_x

--

We don't talk anymore. We just...don't communicate, don't IM, don't talk, don't call each other, period. We don't make eye contact when I make my way over to the group table during sixth period to say hello to my friends there. He leaves without a word to me, and I don't acknowledge his presence when I'm by the table.

Friends. Are we even, anymore? I'd like to make myself believe so, because it still hurts, just seeing him every day. It's been a full two weeks, but I can't stop hurting so soon. I sense some sort of conflict between us that neither of us is willing to acknowledge, and I promise I'm not going to be the one to cede. What he did to me within the span of a week is unforgivable. He should be pretty grateful that I haven't told many people what he did. Those I told were angry, and gave him an earful whenever they saw him around campus. I'm very sure that if I told my parents, they'd never let him set foot in our house again. I forgave him that day, but only out of pity. I don't think I forgive him at all in my heart.

And now this. ugh, why do I even bother caring? I understand that perhaps, you two play better together. But just asking me would have been appreciated. You didn't even bother. And that...that makes me so angry.

Yesterday after sixth period, he asked me the question that I had been waiting for, and I was too angry at him to even try replying. I didn't want to speak to him, so I diverted my eyes from his face, picked my calc book up, and told Dexter I was going home. As I turned to leave, he grabbed my arm, and his voice said "Stay." I listen to Dexter when he uses that tone of voice, so I lingered behind.

But for the remainder of the night, I couldn't get his facial expression out of my mind. When I finally made eye contact with him when he posed the question to me, I remembered that he looked...upset. He looked sad. Unhappy. His face had an exhausted, drained look to it, and I just...didn't understand. And then I thought back to this past week -- and I realized that each time I'd seen him, he'd looked unhappy. Me? I'm still my laughy and energetic self around everyone, but not him -- he's no longer the same person I remember. And around him, I do not smile, or laugh, or speak unless I'm spoken to.

Today during lunch, I noticed him cast a sidelong glance at me as I walked past with Elizabeth. Obviously, I ignored it. Then, as I walked past the bank on my way back from the outskirts of the campus, I noticed him cast another sidelong glance at me. Again, I held my head a little higher, and hurried past without a word or eye contact. I promised myself not to make any more eye contact, but I couldn't help wondering what on earth he's thinking of.

When we're apart, whatever are you thinking of?

Think long and hard about what you've done. Have you ever, for anyone? Maybe I don't know you well enough, and you're just still caught up in nostalgia from the past month. If so, then so be it. I don't know what to think of you anymore, except that I've never hated you in my entire life...do I now? I need to ask myself this question, long and hard. I don't forgive you, but I try not to hate, either.

In the meantime, I still hold my head high. I don't need your false sympathy and compassion to make myself feel better about myself.

o-nah

Uh, uh, wow. I, um. Wow.

I HATE YOU.

What a positive, positive blog this is. lkfsj I hate you. I have been searching for a reason to do so, and I finally found it. Way to ask me, way to do it after you've already found another partner. Do you ever take the feelings and emotions of your friends into consideration, let alone towards me, even a few months before? In anon's words, you need to grow up. Have you been so sheltered for so long that you no longer know how to treat others?

It is then reasonable to say that I'm just waiting to go to college, so I can allow my heart and my soul to recuperate from the damage.

Love you forever, forever is so far.

As much as I would love to take your explanation, and as much as I felt I believed you and forgave you Sunday night -- I don't feel like I do anymore. It's horrible, how I can just take these things back...forgiveness, faith, and hope. But I was in shock and I hated to see you hurting and groveling and begging me to forgive you and I just...pitied you. Am I being pretentious? No, I'm not. You did beg for forgiveness. But now, I'm just not so sure.

The truth is, though, we're just not the same anymore. We're really just passed a point of no return, or should I say, you have. I know you too well to know you would ever do something like that to me. I've known you for too long, too well...you wouldn't, you simply wouldn't. It's amazing...my friends were more angry than I was over this mess, and they yelled at you over this while I remained silently in the shadows, wanting to be angry, but without the fire to fuel it. There's never been any instance where Elizabeth yelled at you for something and called you stupid for doing it, and I didn't. The fact is, I just didn't have the heart to do it on Sunday.

What about now?

I did hit you. On the shoulder. I was angry. Irrational. When I flipped open my phone, put it on speakerphone, and demanded you explain, you laughed. I was ready to kill you for one split second, but my anger came out in the form of a slap, and after that, I just turned away. And I don't regret that, because you deserved that. You agree with me, so the case is closed.

Are we okay? I'm not sure. Do I forgive you? Definitely not completely. But for now, wait it out and prove your faith back to me. In other words, win my friendship and my trust back. I'm not letting you have it free of charge this time.

hiyaah

I am not a dorkface for learning the dance :{ I HAVE THE FIRST PART DOWN. haha I fail at wasting time.

a moment of respite, monsieur

I am frustrated. At who, I don't know. Maybe I do but I'm not sure?

All I want is to stop feeling this way. What is "this way?" I feel like I'm chronically sad, I always feel empty on the inside, I'm just...not happy. It's getting in the way of my day-to-day living, my emotions, my work, my life. I can't concentrate on homework anymore. I feel weaker now; I feel tired often, and sleep a lot more. But again, I am only frustrated. I am not angry. For the first time, I held it in, forced myself to act as if nothing was wrong, and finally pushed it so deep inside that I don't even feel it anymore.

Despite that, whoever's meddling with me should not have this kind of power.

a room of lilies

Interesting interesting.

I miss,
Emily Chang
Ariel Chen
Vickie Huang
Gordon Wu
Thomas Lee
Richard Leong
Lee-Wei Kao

:(