I'm glad I married right.

My most recent email:

:'( im sorry too! aww... i love you!!! i totally forgive u and im sorry i didnt think about your situation before i got mad... thanks for emailing me. :) let's walk together tomorrow. hopefully u get this email today. well, ill go find you anyways. :) ya know what? let's just forget about fall rally north. if ur mom was reluctant to let you go then it's okay. im not too crazy about it either i guess.. im really sorry too. :( thank you. =)

eliza <3

..OH MY GUACAMOLE, I LOVE MY WIFE ELIZABETH CHENG SO FREAKIN' MUCH ):

I love you too! I'm so glad we're not all huffy with each other anymore (: /hugs and squeezes

Pop goes the water!

Today was a bad day. I wrote about it elsewhere and I don't want to recap it because I don't want to remember it. But I'm feeling better. I see that my grades have hope now; so do my Panel pieces, which I think are coming along nicely. I just need to keep pushing forward, keep my work times consistent and efficient.

The only thing I feel really bad about is how I hurt someone I love so much today. She didn't deserve it; my inability to see past myself and my pain hurt her instead, and apparently she's very upset because she doesn't know why. She's more than a friend to me and I can't believe I treated her like that...wow. Just not talking to someone or pushing them away, even the slightest bit, when they offer consolation...is very hurtful to that person.

But anyway, I'd like to thank Linda, the twins, and Grace for helping me out in Bio today when I broke down, especially Linda because she stayed with me all the way to AP English and tried so hard to calm me down and make me feel better. I love you girls :)

KILLS COMPUTER, KILLS COMPUTER

Do I seriously not have the ability to sleep early anymore?! /cries and bangs computer simultaneously/ asdlfkjafdh FRUSTRATED.

Annoyed. Tired. PO'ed.

Wow, it's not that hard. When I say don't talk to me, it means exactly what it says. What part of it do you not understand? Must I clarify everything for you guys?

I'm busy, I'm away, I don't have time to deal with the stupid Gchat sounds that pop up every single time a new IM comes in. Go away. Don't talk to me. Leave me alone. Can I make myself any more clear?

I'm only on Gchat to offer homework help or to receive it when I need it, not to talk to people during school days when I'm swamped with homework. When I say I'm busy in my away message, DON'T message me! It's not hard, you just don't push the button, el oh el? Ugh, go away, I don't want to hear about what classes you guys are taking or about how much free time you guys have.

And don't you dare go saying we need to make a chat a "regular thing!!" When I leave because there's no one there, you say "omg, that's not the right attitude!! make this regular!!" BLAH. Don't you dare feed me those lines. I will tone you out, block you, make you go away. A regular thing is only regular when people actually talk. Don't give me that trash.

(By the way, if you're reading this and you talk to me on Gchat, it's not you who bugs me. I promise. This only applies to a special certain group of people.)

But they don't really comprehend.

I came home and slept for 3 hours. I just couldn't hold up my energy for two consecutive days like that. I don't know. I feel very tired, but I feel like I've done more this weekend than usual.

Still, there's that Bio test tomorrow that's constantly preying on my mind. I hope I do well. I'm going to study like there's no tomorrow tonight.

Thank goodness I finished APUSH notes yesterday, my head probably would have exploded if I had to do them today. I still have to finish my annotation, play piano, do SAT math...

...which is what brings me here, WHY AM I WRITING THIS when I have so much to do?!

Let me show you the way to my heart.

When I came home from MLK today, after spending a very solid 6 or 7 hours holed up doing Project A and homework, my parents and I were talking around the dinner table. My dad finally spoke up and said

"Karen, why don't you just let loose more?"
"..What do you mean?"
"Like...forget about going to Berkeley. Let loose and relax."

I said I'd like to die if I didn't get in and my mom said well, what if you really don't?

I guess I'd die? Or hide in my room like a grasshopper and not come out for ninety days. Whichever one comes first.

Ugh, I hate my grades, I hate my personality, I hate my outlook on things. My dad said I take everything too easily and I think everything is easy. He says I've always been like that, and in reality it's not what I think it is. My mom said I need to study more and I need to budget time correctly in order to achieve what I want.

I know it's constructive criticism, but I just felt very tired and cranky and annoyed and I said, "I know it's not easy!", then took my backpack and went to my room and cried.

Why do I hate myself so much? Why, if I do, can I not get myself off of the stupid chair, slip a pencil in between my thumb and index finger, and move it back and forth to form the words of my assignments, in a quick and efficient fashion? Why can't I bring myself to ask questions during class, and end up stressing about what the actual assignment is at 8 PM at night, when everyone is pretty much done? Is it because I really don't care? But I do care! Why is it that my body, my hands, my brain...won't listen to me?!

So many unanswered questions. And I'm so tired tonight.

My head hurts.

I like the fact that I sleep for two hours when I come home and then stay up until 2 doing homework and talking to people. Mostly it's Albert, who I practice Chinese with and always talk to when we're both online :), or Dexter/Norris checking up on me and making sure I'm not suicidal, occasionally Tiffany or Grace just 'cause they're awesome. I find that a lot more people IM me nowadays, it seems that everyone asks me for help with homework this year, augh ):

I also find that the journalism sophomores tend to come to me for help instead of asking the EiC's. I find that really odd; I don't even know that much but everyone always asks me when they have questions...it's baffling.

I don't know how these chats eat up my time, but they always fly by and pretty soon it's 1:30, OHNOEZ, I haven't started math homework! Something like that. It's the same thing every day. I need to turn it around.

I'm going to MLK this weekend with Tiffany, Grace, and Joyce. It went from two to four people in two hours, haha. Away messages on AIM always help :) I hope I can trick Norris into coming too, so I can poke fun at him for getting lost on the lightrail last time.

Panel's in late February and I'm seriously far from ready. Seriously, I have two more pieces to learn. I mean, I have only 5 months left, not to mention if I want straight A's this semester I have to work my freaking butt off.

I'm really scared about balancing all my activities all at once; my teacher was even going to make me go to a competition this year, but I really don't think I can handle it. There's always the Synopsis Science Faire, which I intend on doing this year, and well...I don't even know if I have time to research anything. My grades cannot drop ANY lower than they are right now and SAT's are just around the corner. This really bites. Junior year really bites.

Anyway, it's really late, seriously. I haven't done APUSH or finished math. /fail.

I wish it would happen.

I wish I could make myself work harder.

I'm scared to look at my grades.

Life sucks when you can't get your butt off the ground and work.

Hehe, I haven't been here in over a week.

APUSH midterm tomorrow. I have to study. I'll be back on the weekend, maybe.

♥

jeux d'eau

Joyce, Norris and I went to MLK today!

We studied apart while we were at the library because we all have different Project A topics anyway, plus it helps the concentration and mind flow. We were all on different floors for the whole time - Norris was down at the LL, I was on the sixth floor, and I have no idea where Joyce was. I have five books that I might possibly use now. Which reminds me, I need to go and renew my library book before I get another fine.

I ran into Lynn & Michelle Kim while I was studying, haha ♥

I skimmed the books first, and then I moved to a more private desk in a corner (the personal ones) and stayed there for an hour and a half. I did some SAT math practice and finished French homework. Then, I got yelled at for talking on my cell phone because Norris called and asked where I was. Whoops :(

After MLK we went to Starbucks where they all mooched off my food and my frap >:(


Yesterday...

Dexter, Norris and I went to MLK :) We didn't have much time, we only spent an hour there before the library closed and we left. Norris ditched us, AGAIN, so Dexter and I just studied on the 4th floor together :)

We went to Quickly because it was open and well, we're Asian! The girl who took my order was so rude. I asked for a passion fruit icy and she rolled her eyes at me and went "um, do you mean passion fruit slushy?" I wanted to slap her, it's not a wonder Quickly got sued a few years back with that kind of attitude :)

candid laughter: i hope her face gets blown up in a blender



haha, well I better run off to bed. I still have some unfinished homework to take care of...so until later, tata sayonara ♥

breakfast cafe opens at 7

I'll write here really quick before I rush off to finish my homework before 1:30 ):

I keep saying I hate junior year, but you know, I don't think I actually do. I think it's really challenging, and there's nothing I love better in life than challenges. If something is hard and people complain about the difficulty level, it just makes me more determined to be the one to solve it.

APUSH is actually not that bad if you keep up with everything. At least for now. I know after the first month or so, everyone stops reading...but well, I don't think that's a very good strategy, assuming that I want a 5 on the AP test. idk, I don't know very much yet; it's only the 2nd week of school. I'll find out more as I go along...but for now, I'll just leave junior year at the fact that's it's challenging and it really weeds out the people who REALLY want A's, as opposed to the people who kind of, sort of do, but not really.

I studied 3 or so hours for the AP Bio test on Tuesday. I was beating myself up at 2 AM when I finally crawled into bed for procrastinating so long and prolonging the stress and lack of sleep. I was pretty sure I didn't get a good grade when I turned it in. Then today, when I went up to give her a parent form, she was like "Karen...Lee...WAIT. I have something I need to tell you."

She thought for a while, and I just kind of stood there /weird and finally she said "oh yes. You did very well on the biology test from yesterday."

I was like OMGOMGOMGOMGOMG inside, but I just said thank you and sat back down. Turns out I got a 51/54, 4 points away from the person who set the curve (55)...who's from Harker (crazy people...). I was SO HAPPY during 2nd period because of my grade in bio. I just didn't beat the twins and I was mad because I wanted to beat them ):

I think this class is going to be interesting; I'll always be competing with Iris & Jess, which may or may not make me study harder :) it's a good thing.

In other news...my piano teacher introduced a piano competition to me and asked if I was interested. Believe me, I really, really want to do it. The cash prize is only $250 and master class entry, but I really want to do the competition because I love piano.

I don't know. I'm definitely not practicing hard enough. But if I want to win that competition I'll need to practice at least 2 1/2 hours each day...and junior year, I just don't have the time for that. No matter how efficient I am with homework there is no way I can play 2 hours and still keep straight A's, in addition to my spring sport, journalism duties and SAT's.

augh. I hate choosing between two passions. Straight A's or music major? ):

Okay, I should probably go work. Night everyone ♥

someone give me wings.

Sometimes, you just have to rant. Especially about Sarah Palin, McCain's choice for a vice president, who even finds the nerve to say:

Our beautiful daughter Bristol came to us with news that as parents we knew would make her grow up faster than we had ever planned. We're proud of Bristol's decision to have the baby and even prouder to become grandparents.

WOW. Complete and utter BLASPHEMY.

All I have to say, seriously, ugh. This is what America turns our kids into. Seriously, your daughter is pregnant at 17 years old, unmarried, plans to have her child and even marry her (maybe ex?) boyfriend. You are proud, PROUD, of her decision to have the baby she was not supposed to have in the first place, and after all that BS, you believe your daughter is beautiful? You are only trying to hide the fact that you have not raised your children correctly. Why would anyone with even a quarter of a brain want to give you the position of handling our country, secondary to only our president?

You don't deserve your governor position, and you certainly don't deserve this vice presidency. Seriously, people like you just make our world a more horrible place in which to live. You can't get any more ridiculous than that.

Huff. I was about to blow up after I read that article, seriously.

I despise this country and its stupid, absolutely BRAINLESS moral standards. This has gone too far.