happy early new year

this is,

hwang taekyung & go minam!
alias 2pm, nichkhun & wooyoung.
i promised myself i would never crush on 2pm boys because of all the hype, but now that i understand that they're just TOO CUTE not to adore, nichkhun ftw. ♥

nichkhun: JANG WOOYOUNG! JANG WOOYOUNG! saranghae yo!

(everyone say it with me: awwwww)

hi blogspot how have you been? i've been fangirling...excessively!
in broader news, kpop has had one tough year, and i feel for all of the workers from SM & JYP entertainment and all that they have suffered for.

may 2010 be a better year for all! :)
more later, after i finish this up.
bye for now!

p.s. kristine, i hope you're having fun in japan! ♥

yeah, okay.

what

the

frick?

come a little closer, can you feel my heart —

I don't particularly feel like blogging tonight but I need a to-do list for tomorrow. I'm kind of tired...and today has been horribly unproductive. One/two word lists. I can figure out the rest.

- drivers ed (yeah I know I'm terribly sad I can't even graduate yet)
- supplements
- number two
- clean room
- HAIRCUT I think. I want one :(

I will write about today...tomorrow. To bed (which means streaming more dramas, I hate this lack of motivation that comes with winter break). Over and out.

heartquakes

i opened my newsfeed this morning and this is what i saw:



my initial reaction was OMG @______@ MY DAD.

but because archie said it was hualien and changhua i think my dad's okay. wait, CHANGHUA? MY STUDENTSSSSSS OMG ;_____; /crying

i like the muuuuzik.

daddy is coming home on february 9th.
as in, plane tickets are already booked.

just thinking about it makes me really, really happy, because spending Christmas without him feels empty and sad. I don't think I've ever spent a single Christmas without both my parents in the states. he'll be back in time for our ski break and I am très excitée! :)

I am tired and my mom wants me to do chores. I want to write more but I think I'll nap first. I'm feeling really lazy right now @_@ english final tomorrow, should I be worried that I haven't started the 1-2 page deconstruction yet? not really.

This week is just so terribly wrong.

I feel so terribly wrong.

Am I really that horrible at studying that I really have sunk this low? Do I really lack any motivation that I can't raise my grade any higher? Am I really that student who can't fly any higher than this? Am I really this much below my friends? Do my friends really have this much more motivation than I have? Or do I simply have no brain or even a modicum of intelligence? Have I really gone this far as to lower my standards to subzero, to nonexistent, to ... nothing, at all?

Have I broken my wings?

All through today I have wanted to cry, but aside from being very quiet with my family and my friends, I have not ranted, nor have I poured feelings, nor have I cried in front of anyone today. All through today I felt numb, I felt empty...and most of all, I felt so substandard, so ashamed of myself, so honorless that I am letting my parents down, so honorless that I am letting myself down.

--

I have no answers for my questions. And I feel so alone, worthless, without any direction. Where on earth do I think I'm going? I've lost all incentive to do well in what I used to have such high standards for.

Getting into university was my only dream throughout my underclassmen years, and that was all I thought about, and everything I did revolved around college. Grades. Extracurriculars. Persistance, passion and perseverance in everything I attempted. But junior year rolled around, and all of a sudden, there was a tremendous crash, and I found myself giving up, falling down, and just wallowing in myself, in my own tears and my own sadness, my own helplessness.

All the while my close friends, even the two best friends I had during this time, assumed I was doing okay. Or at least, I assumed they thought I was doing okay. All of us were tired but I never let slip that I was struggling as hard as I was. I kept thinking I could do it myself, work on it myself, like they were...but in reality, I was only fooling myself. That was probably the biggest mistake I have ever made in my entire life, not letting anyone know that I wasn't doing okay at all, and not seeking the help that I needed so badly. I was only blindly moving forward in a desert where I had no compass.

If you, and you know who you are, are reading this, let me say this right now:

I am not okay like you thought I was.

And now, this year...crashing, burning, dying, as usual. As usual? Karen 李雙小姐, 你到底在幹什麼? If this is what senioritis feels like, then why am I crying, when I've brought this all on myself?

Taiwanese pimp post.

I'm not focusing. My eyes refuse to turn to the three MS Word documents open on my screen. Less even to stare at my to-do list. This is the obligatory Taiwanese love post:

--
Dear _______,

If you were to come to Taiwan with me this summer, this is where I would take you:


西門町 - 台北
This is the ultimate hangout place for young people in Taipei. Tons of shopping, and bright light arena, hustle-and-bustle at night. I came here when I was small but I don't remember coming, and I really want to go again. I was going to go shopping there with Ariel and Oliver (two AID friends) a few days after AID ended, but my parents wouldn't let me, because after they picked me up we went to...


淡水 - 台北
You definitely know this place - this is where Jay Chou's Secret was mainly filmed. I saw the filming location the last time I went - amazing, definitely something you have to see when you go there, but it's up on a hill and a long climb up. Danshui is huge - it has a beach that's usually inaccessible to the public because it's fenced off, plus a 老街 where there's a ton of awesome shopping. They're famous for their tall ice creams and noodle soup :)


台北 101 - 台北
Why did I mention this earlier?! You can't leave Taipei without seeing this. The tallest building in the world (at least to my knowledge) and it's still beautiful as ever. I've been here so many times because my grandma lives only a few blocks away. Going up to the top is actually rather expensive, but the view is like no other. There's really nice shopping around the Taipei 101, and inside - there's even a Chenping bookstore on the first floor.

- to be continued, because I got some focus back - :)

too angry for words

I try not to use profanity, but I am just so fed up with ... everything. Beware.

Because if this is how I feel, I ask one question:

WHY THE HELL SHOULD YOU CARE ?

--

Why do I find drama references in everything now?

You can't see anything clearly because you're always so bright. Why don't you just leave me in the dark ? Who ever told you to come find me, to come look at me ?

From my point of view, I want myself to not care anymore. You are not worth this pain or these thoughts. But this is where I take Taekyung's point of view -- why am I always angry at you when I look at you, Go Minam? I know my own answer.

I am tired and upset from recent events, and just drained and out of energy tonight. I'm angry because you just don't care, because you feel bad but you don't do anything about it. Again, why the hell should I give a damn if you don't? You appear to, and you say you do, but I don't believe you do anymore. Have you no conscience? I have no more faith. And it's okay. I guess we've just split on two different paths.

But if you act like this, I can't be okay.

I wish I never did it. If there was one thing in my life I could take back and redo all over again, the first would be my entire junior year. The second would be that. It would have saved me so much pain, so much concentration, so much of the love that I gave to an undeserving friend that I could have given to others whom I knew would appreciate it. You really are the 21st century version of Monsieur Meursault. Now I understand what my friends meant when they said I deserved better than this kind of pain and frustration. Now I understand what one of them meant when they said I was wasting my time. And why I never listened? Because I never imagined one person could take it and act entirely indifferent, entirely ungrateful, and entirely unaffected by what I did. But you did.

I understand why you loved Taekyung, Minam, but that barrier he held up against you -- you were strong enough to withstand that, and see the beauty inside. But compared to what you must have felt, I see no beauty in this situation. 어떻게해야할지? Really, what do I do?

I guess the best solution is to forget.

And when I'm good and ready and no longer crying, forgive.

the post script.

I'm going through another blogspot withdrawal again, and I'll probably be away from here for another extended period of time, depending on how things look up or down in the next few weeks, or even months. Before then I can be found at dreamwidth, which I use extensively nowadays.

Two locations: chingu is my public DW, fairly new, and will mostly be used for fandom. clavier is my friends locked journal, and the one I update most frequently.

If you would like an invite code, do not hesitate to ask. ♥ I actually like DW better than LJ for a few reasons, one being that it's much, much less crowded and I get the usernames I want the most kyah 8D; and also because the name is prettier. In general I've always loved the interface and feel of DW/LJ because their settings are so versatile, and I'll definitely be hanging around there more in the future. I don't use my LJ much anymore, but you can always find me on dreamwidth.

& yes. toodles~ I'll still be checking here but I won't be writing much.

sorry claire I keep moving /hits head :[

ETA: I don't want to leave :[ so I guess I'm here for good.

sooner arrival

i would have defied all the laws of gravity
if i had only held on one moment longer.

it comes at much too high a cost