happy early new year

this is,

hwang taekyung & go minam!
alias 2pm, nichkhun & wooyoung.
i promised myself i would never crush on 2pm boys because of all the hype, but now that i understand that they're just TOO CUTE not to adore, nichkhun ftw. ♥

nichkhun: JANG WOOYOUNG! JANG WOOYOUNG! saranghae yo!

(everyone say it with me: awwwww)

hi blogspot how have you been? i've been fangirling...excessively!
in broader news, kpop has had one tough year, and i feel for all of the workers from SM & JYP entertainment and all that they have suffered for.

may 2010 be a better year for all! :)
more later, after i finish this up.
bye for now!

p.s. kristine, i hope you're having fun in japan! ♥

yeah, okay.

what

the

frick?

come a little closer, can you feel my heart —

I don't particularly feel like blogging tonight but I need a to-do list for tomorrow. I'm kind of tired...and today has been horribly unproductive. One/two word lists. I can figure out the rest.

- drivers ed (yeah I know I'm terribly sad I can't even graduate yet)
- supplements
- number two
- clean room
- HAIRCUT I think. I want one :(

I will write about today...tomorrow. To bed (which means streaming more dramas, I hate this lack of motivation that comes with winter break). Over and out.

heartquakes

i opened my newsfeed this morning and this is what i saw:



my initial reaction was OMG @______@ MY DAD.

but because archie said it was hualien and changhua i think my dad's okay. wait, CHANGHUA? MY STUDENTSSSSSS OMG ;_____; /crying

i like the muuuuzik.

daddy is coming home on february 9th.
as in, plane tickets are already booked.

just thinking about it makes me really, really happy, because spending Christmas without him feels empty and sad. I don't think I've ever spent a single Christmas without both my parents in the states. he'll be back in time for our ski break and I am très excitée! :)

I am tired and my mom wants me to do chores. I want to write more but I think I'll nap first. I'm feeling really lazy right now @_@ english final tomorrow, should I be worried that I haven't started the 1-2 page deconstruction yet? not really.

This week is just so terribly wrong.

I feel so terribly wrong.

Am I really that horrible at studying that I really have sunk this low? Do I really lack any motivation that I can't raise my grade any higher? Am I really that student who can't fly any higher than this? Am I really this much below my friends? Do my friends really have this much more motivation than I have? Or do I simply have no brain or even a modicum of intelligence? Have I really gone this far as to lower my standards to subzero, to nonexistent, to ... nothing, at all?

Have I broken my wings?

All through today I have wanted to cry, but aside from being very quiet with my family and my friends, I have not ranted, nor have I poured feelings, nor have I cried in front of anyone today. All through today I felt numb, I felt empty...and most of all, I felt so substandard, so ashamed of myself, so honorless that I am letting my parents down, so honorless that I am letting myself down.

--

I have no answers for my questions. And I feel so alone, worthless, without any direction. Where on earth do I think I'm going? I've lost all incentive to do well in what I used to have such high standards for.

Getting into university was my only dream throughout my underclassmen years, and that was all I thought about, and everything I did revolved around college. Grades. Extracurriculars. Persistance, passion and perseverance in everything I attempted. But junior year rolled around, and all of a sudden, there was a tremendous crash, and I found myself giving up, falling down, and just wallowing in myself, in my own tears and my own sadness, my own helplessness.

All the while my close friends, even the two best friends I had during this time, assumed I was doing okay. Or at least, I assumed they thought I was doing okay. All of us were tired but I never let slip that I was struggling as hard as I was. I kept thinking I could do it myself, work on it myself, like they were...but in reality, I was only fooling myself. That was probably the biggest mistake I have ever made in my entire life, not letting anyone know that I wasn't doing okay at all, and not seeking the help that I needed so badly. I was only blindly moving forward in a desert where I had no compass.

If you, and you know who you are, are reading this, let me say this right now:

I am not okay like you thought I was.

And now, this year...crashing, burning, dying, as usual. As usual? Karen 李雙小姐, 你到底在幹什麼? If this is what senioritis feels like, then why am I crying, when I've brought this all on myself?

Taiwanese pimp post.

I'm not focusing. My eyes refuse to turn to the three MS Word documents open on my screen. Less even to stare at my to-do list. This is the obligatory Taiwanese love post:

--
Dear _______,

If you were to come to Taiwan with me this summer, this is where I would take you:


西門町 - 台北
This is the ultimate hangout place for young people in Taipei. Tons of shopping, and bright light arena, hustle-and-bustle at night. I came here when I was small but I don't remember coming, and I really want to go again. I was going to go shopping there with Ariel and Oliver (two AID friends) a few days after AID ended, but my parents wouldn't let me, because after they picked me up we went to...


淡水 - 台北
You definitely know this place - this is where Jay Chou's Secret was mainly filmed. I saw the filming location the last time I went - amazing, definitely something you have to see when you go there, but it's up on a hill and a long climb up. Danshui is huge - it has a beach that's usually inaccessible to the public because it's fenced off, plus a 老街 where there's a ton of awesome shopping. They're famous for their tall ice creams and noodle soup :)


台北 101 - 台北
Why did I mention this earlier?! You can't leave Taipei without seeing this. The tallest building in the world (at least to my knowledge) and it's still beautiful as ever. I've been here so many times because my grandma lives only a few blocks away. Going up to the top is actually rather expensive, but the view is like no other. There's really nice shopping around the Taipei 101, and inside - there's even a Chenping bookstore on the first floor.

- to be continued, because I got some focus back - :)

too angry for words

I try not to use profanity, but I am just so fed up with ... everything. Beware.

Because if this is how I feel, I ask one question:

WHY THE HELL SHOULD YOU CARE ?

--

Why do I find drama references in everything now?

You can't see anything clearly because you're always so bright. Why don't you just leave me in the dark ? Who ever told you to come find me, to come look at me ?

From my point of view, I want myself to not care anymore. You are not worth this pain or these thoughts. But this is where I take Taekyung's point of view -- why am I always angry at you when I look at you, Go Minam? I know my own answer.

I am tired and upset from recent events, and just drained and out of energy tonight. I'm angry because you just don't care, because you feel bad but you don't do anything about it. Again, why the hell should I give a damn if you don't? You appear to, and you say you do, but I don't believe you do anymore. Have you no conscience? I have no more faith. And it's okay. I guess we've just split on two different paths.

But if you act like this, I can't be okay.

I wish I never did it. If there was one thing in my life I could take back and redo all over again, the first would be my entire junior year. The second would be that. It would have saved me so much pain, so much concentration, so much of the love that I gave to an undeserving friend that I could have given to others whom I knew would appreciate it. You really are the 21st century version of Monsieur Meursault. Now I understand what my friends meant when they said I deserved better than this kind of pain and frustration. Now I understand what one of them meant when they said I was wasting my time. And why I never listened? Because I never imagined one person could take it and act entirely indifferent, entirely ungrateful, and entirely unaffected by what I did. But you did.

I understand why you loved Taekyung, Minam, but that barrier he held up against you -- you were strong enough to withstand that, and see the beauty inside. But compared to what you must have felt, I see no beauty in this situation. 어떻게해야할지? Really, what do I do?

I guess the best solution is to forget.

And when I'm good and ready and no longer crying, forgive.

the post script.

I'm going through another blogspot withdrawal again, and I'll probably be away from here for another extended period of time, depending on how things look up or down in the next few weeks, or even months. Before then I can be found at dreamwidth, which I use extensively nowadays.

Two locations: chingu is my public DW, fairly new, and will mostly be used for fandom. clavier is my friends locked journal, and the one I update most frequently.

If you would like an invite code, do not hesitate to ask. ♥ I actually like DW better than LJ for a few reasons, one being that it's much, much less crowded and I get the usernames I want the most kyah 8D; and also because the name is prettier. In general I've always loved the interface and feel of DW/LJ because their settings are so versatile, and I'll definitely be hanging around there more in the future. I don't use my LJ much anymore, but you can always find me on dreamwidth.

& yes. toodles~ I'll still be checking here but I won't be writing much.

sorry claire I keep moving /hits head :[

ETA: I don't want to leave :[ so I guess I'm here for good.

sooner arrival

i would have defied all the laws of gravity
if i had only held on one moment longer.

it comes at much too high a cost

still as ever.

LOOOOOL THIS IS TOO CUTE NOT TO POST
LAUGHING SO HARD RIGHT NOW haha yoochun ke aiiii ♥

second & third are my favorite.

I should sleep now.

my JoJo

Still caught in You're Beautiful depression. /wavers

I submitted my UC apps in the early afternoon. I'm scared that something went wrong and I messed up, but there's really no use worrying anymore, since they're already out and gone.

I have a stack of articles to grade & homework to do. I'm tired... and not exactly happy.

I hope tomorrow is better.

done.

I finished episode 16.
Without subs, so I only understood the "sarang hae" part.
Taekyung and Minyu end up together (now that I think about it, of course) but the spoilers were all wrong, haha. There is nothing especially squeal-worthy at the end, except...go see for yourself :) Despite that, it's still a happy ending, and I think I am satisfied.

I guess I'm happy that this addiction will stop, because it's rather unhealthy.
But I'm sorry to say goodbye to the drama, because it was definitely amazing.
I'm glad I can listen to the soundtrack without pause now.

Deep down though, I am pretty depressed about the whole drama.
This always happens, and I'm sure it'll pass in time.


Goodbye, You're Beautiful. Thanks for keeping my heart rate up the past few weeks. I will miss all of you very dearly.

such A.N.Jell's

waiting is so difficult.
the finale of you're beautiful comes out tomorrow, but I know it's not going to be hardsubbed until friday or saturday night.

I am currently surviving off MVs of the soundtrack before it comes out.
& in the meantime, UC statements need to be submitted. I can't when I'm in this stage though.
I don't know who still reads my blog (besides claire) but if you want to watch the drama, you should watch the first video :) it doesn't give anything away but it's super cute.

lovely day by park shin hye, who plays minam/minyu in the drama.



this one doesn't have a lot of cute scenes with taekyung/minyu but the song is really good, and park shin hye has an amazing voice.

sarang ge chu wo e-yo

my heart is calling - I don't know the artist name but the song is amazing




sigh, time to work.
hang in there, I can do this!! just a few more days...

nobody knows

today in english, julie came up to my desk and rapped out, "TIME IS TICKIN', TI-TIME IS TICKIN' TICKIN'...!" and i stared at her kind of ... o.O until she was like "you know? EPIK HIGH!" and i was like OH haha just kidding i knew that, at least kind of T-T

i feel like i've already made the pilgrimage from the rest of the world to the world that is kpop, but i need to keep up! ..once apps are done, i will. only two more days until the finale of you're beautiful! three, technically, but i'm assuming it'll be up by wednesday night, thursday on asian time. waiting is pure torture, because i've been boycotting the soundtrack until the final episode comes out so i won't be depressed when i hear the music, and A.N.Jell is losing plays in my library... saddening, it is.

i really, really hope taekyung ends with minyu, or i will spend a week not doing apps and just crying in the corner of my room. i'm not even kidding, that honestly sounds like something i would end up doing if that's what ends up happening.

over and out to homework. but before, love, love, love...

밤 12시 술 취해 지친 목소리
새벽 2시 차갑게 꺼진 전화기
아무도 내 맘을 모르죠
I can't stop, love love love
아파도 계속 반복하죠
I can't stop, love love love

있나요 사랑해본 적
영화처럼 첫 눈에 반해본 적
전화기를 붙들고 밤새본 적
세상에 자랑해본 적
쏟아지는 비속에서
기다려본 적
그를 향해 미친듯이
달려본 적
몰래 지켜본적 미쳐본적
다 보면서도 못본 척

있겠죠 사랑해본 적
기념일 때문에 가난해본 적
잘하고도 미안해 말해본 적
연애편지로 날 새본 적
가족과의 약속을 미뤄본 적
아프지말라 신께 빌어본 적
친굴 피해본 적 잃어본 적
가는 뒷모습 지켜본 적
can't stop love
미친듯 사랑했는데 왜
정말 난 잘해줬는데 왜
모든걸 다 줬었는데
you got me going crazy
can't stop love
죽도록 사랑했는데 왜
내 몸과 맘을 다 줬는데
모든걸 잃어버렸는데 어떻게

아무도 내 맘을 모르죠
I can't stop, love love love
아파도 계속 반복하죠
I can't stop, love love love

있나요 이별해본 적
빗물에 화장을 지워내본 적
긴 생머리 잘라내본 적
끊은 담배를 쥐어본 적
혹시라도 마주칠까
자릴 피해본 적
보내지도 못할 편지 적어본 적
술에 만취되서 전화 걸어본 적
여보세요 입이 얼어본 적

있겠죠 이별해본 적
사랑했던 만큼 미워해본 적
읽지도 못한 편지 찢어본 적
잊지도 못할 전화번호 지워본 적
기념일을 혼자 챙겨본 적
사진들을 다 불태워본 적
이 세상에 모든 이별 노래가
당신의 얘길꺼라 생각해본 적

can't stop love
미친듯 사랑했는데 왜
정말 난 잘해줬는데 왜
모든걸 다 줬었는데
you got me going crazy
can't stop love
죽도록 사랑했는데 왜
내 몸과 맘을 다 줬는데
모든걸 잃어버렸는데 어떻게
아무도 내 맘을 모르죠

I can't stop, love love love
아파도 계속 반복하죠
I can't stop, love love love

바보처럼 울고 또 술에 취하고
친구를 붙잡고 그 사람을 욕하고
시간이 지나고 또 술에 취하고
전화기를 붙잡고 say love

아무도 내 맘을 모르죠
I can't stop, love love love
아파도 계속 반복하죠
I can't stop, love love love
아무도 내 맘을 모르죠
(사실은 당신만 모르죠)
아파도 계속 반복하죠
이러다 언젠가 다시 마주치겠죠

rainy days and gloom

dear karen,

failure is okay when it happens.
the hard part is learning to pick yourself up.
but you can do it.

when you...

find out where you went wrong.
learn to correct those mistakes.
and don't do it again the next time.

i can handle this.
no more tears, now.

strawberry days

tonight my mom called me to dinner and i was filling all the bowls of rice. i pulled the bowls from the dishwasher, four of them. it wasn't until i had finished the second one that i realized...why was i taking out four bowls, when there were only three people who would sit down to eat tonight?

i miss you, daddy.

and because i pushed his first picture off my main page, another one:


a.k.a the couple from you're beautiful ♥ WHY ARE THEY NOT DATING @_@
i want to watch, very badly.

pushing JGS off the main page @_@

i just want to go back. so badly. i miss it more than i allow myself to imagine. i don't want to care about anything else. i miss my dad. i want to see the house. i want to eat the food. i want to see my family. i just want to go home.

i miss these wonderful people:



actually if i really think about it, the only difference between the two pictures is that lee-wei replaced wolf. we do love our guys.

i miss.

go mi nam! a-anyeoung...

more than anything in the world (well, besides daddy coming home) i just want to watch you're beautiful right now. it is so hard to keep away from viikii or mysoju right now.

i'm staring at my calculus homework and A.N.JELL songs and jang geun suk and hongki all keep popping into my head. this is torture, torture i tell you! D:< especially because i'm determined not to touch any asian dramas until after apps are done...swearing off youtube altogether is really extreme, so i'll settle for boycotting dramas for now. i don't think i can last past the UC due date but i will persevere! sigh.

watching dramas always depresses me, but once i start one i can't stop, i have to finish it before i put it down. which is why i try not to watch them too much anymore. after winter sonata, i was depressed for a month, just really sluggish and low self-esteem...idk, i think it's just me ;__;

on the other hand i got a 9 on my french mock exam composition :D it made me really happy during second period, and since i'm always half dead in calculus it was a minor little plus for today.

short day tomorrow. i will finish calc homework & english, then do college essays. here i go.

speeding heart rate.

this deserves a new entry:

why hello there. guess what! new celebrity crush: (OH MY sdfklafn;)


jang geun suk from the drama you're beautiful. homygosdfshklj he is BEAUTIFUL. when i watched the first episode my eyes were completely on hongki so i didn't focus too much on him, but it's pretty obvious that he and park shin hye are the main characters, thus the ones who will be tied together in the end... if he just dropped the black hairdo and did this instead i'd fall instantly for him. and i think i have. oh my god. OH MY GOD, so frickin pretty and 可愛 ;___; it's been a longgg time since i've spazzed about any one celebrity guy.

i think he kind of looks like evan yo. but so much prettier. this picture is making my heart rate speed zomg wut ;__;

..hem. excuse me. *__* i try not to fangirl often, which is why i don't watch dramas anymore because then i get depressed about the cute guys and start major fangirl-spazzing. i'm also trying to avoid watching this drama until apps are over and most of the episodes are out, since i don't like waiting for them.

time to shower! i'm cold. once my brother gets out of our bathroom -__-

i'm so sorry that i love you

quick post before i run off to finish homework and OWN UP to those college statements.

today mimi ahyi took kevin, karissa, jonjei and me to the college talk that one of the chinese school parents was holding at her house. her daughter ellen is a graduate of UC Irvine, and she talked with us for about two hours about the college application process, how to handle it, college life, &c. she's a great speaker and she really knew how to keep the conversation going, even without questions. tzuchi & chinese school networking ftw! i took a lot of notes, and i was really glad that i decided to go after my mom talked me into it.

april, alex and i were the only seniors there... jeremy (from pioneer), michelle (cynthia's sister) and some guy who i didn't get the name of. 'twas fun, bonding with them for a few hours. alex and i started talking about aid when we congregated in the kitchen for snacks and conversation. seriously, whenever i meet someone who's been on that program, it ALWAYS comes up in conversation. it happens all the time -- with norris, with thomas, and now with alex, teehee. it's really fun and i love talking about it, but i don't really like how it excludes everyone else from the conversation :( hard not to talk about it, but we did encourage michelle to apply! ^^

then we talked with ellen about leland teachers...she's so awesome :D "LUCAROTTI'S STILL THERE?!" hahaha. i was pretty sad when we had to leave. and imagine i didn't even want to come in the first place... i'm really glad i went! sunday bonding with friends, and getting info for college. it was pretty awesome.

actually, it's time for dinner. thankie i'm mostly done with apes.
NEED TO WORK after dinner though.

later~

j u l i ette :)

two posts in a day! gasp gasp
i don't want to study right now so i think i'll write. too lazy to capitalize...
fridays are always interesting days. beside print date, which, of course, is always interesting.

in apes we were doing population graphs, and when she gave us the assignment i really had NO IDEA what was going on...but i'm not very comfortable asking ms. o'shea questions, idk why >< rishi was like, karen, you're in calculus, you can do this -_- and i was like but i don't know how to draw the line graph!

apparently i said this a little too loudly and ms. o'shea turned around and said "did i just hear someone say 'i don't know how to draw a line graph?'" i gasped and my face turned completely red, so i immediately looked down at my paper and started labeling my axes...and rishi pointed at me, then said "it's okay, i'm already making fun of her for it." and ms. o'shea was like "karen? do you need any help? are you okay?" and i looked up and my face was SO HOT as i said no, it's okay, i can do it on my own... :'D she had this look on her face (one on the left!):


..except with her EYES OPEN, yes. yeah i get that it's an ugly picture of me, sh-ush.

i really think i should...
finish apes
study chem
finish uc statements
finish rec letter


AHH. okay off to work.

衣服

it's very discouraging to match different articles of clothing in your wardrobe when you're 胖胖的. D:< if you put on layers, you look like a little ball. and though I have a rather large wardrobe, composed mostly of donations from older friends or gifts, it's really hard to find clothes that match with each other in a tasteful yet simplistic fashion.

sigh.

(6 PM)

RING DING DONG: BEST SHINEE SONG EVER ♥
elastic, elastic, elastic, elastic on replay, replay, replay.
but I really should keep studying, this is really bad.

poetry begins with a kiss

done.

..with third print date. I am proud. out of j5 before 11 p.m. but we forgot one thing.
it's okay, though, we're DONE. all sixteen pages.
inside jokes &c. and I got yelled at over the phone. if you're reading this I'm still irritated and pretty hurt that you shouted at the messenger.

big sigh
I really am very tired and I am going to sleep.

shadows searching in the night

good evening blogspot. yes I know my wife is adorable.
I should be studying for my calc test tomorrow, but I am taking a break. not that I've studied much at all... eh. it's always so hard to find motivation to study for calculus.

we had a talk/chat this afternoon...and we came to the conclusion that we're definitely not as close as we were during sophomore year. we don't call each other anymore. we only talk online. we don't even talk at school...or if we do, it's short-lived. sometimes I think it's not even a friendship, it's merely an acquaintance, at the thinnest possible surface level.

I still find myself getting slightly annoyed/angry over stupid things that come between us, and I just don't really know what to do anymore.
答案在那裡? 有選者嗎?

I will cease to ponder to focus on math. must study.

an imperfect you is a perfect you to me.

I came across this song on a Flickr title and it just came rushing back to me. I couldn't find it in my iTunes library so I went and downloaded it again:

"Beautiful Disaster" - Jon McLaughlin

She loves her mama's lemonade,
Hates the sound that goodbyes make.
She prays one day she'll find someone to need her.
She swears that there's no difference,
Between the lies and compliments.
It's all the same if everybody leaves her.

And every magazine tells her she's not good enough,
The pictures that she's seen make her cry.

And she would change everything, everything just ask her.
Caught in the in-between, a beautiful disaster,
And she just needs someone to take her home.

She's giving boys what they want, tries to act so nonchalant,
Afraid they'll see that she's lost her direction.
She never stays the same for long,
Assuming that she'll get it wrong.
Perfect only in her imperfections.

She's not a drama queen,
She doesn't want to feel this way, only seventeen, but tired

She would change everything for happy ever after.
Caught in the in-between, a beautiful disaster,
But she just needs someone to take her home.

'Cause she's just the way she is, but no one's told her that's OK.

And she would change everything, everything just ask her.
Caught in the in-between, a beautiful disaster,

And she would change everything for happy ever after.
Caught in the in-between, a beautiful disaster,

But she just needs someone to take her home
And she just needs someone to take her home.

hold tight baby, timeless

good mooooooorning, world. it's been a while since I've been up before 9:30 on a Sunday morning. I went to bed exasperated last night and kind of annoyed at someone. it's always pleasant to wake up earl(ier) than usual :)

anyway, I only *recently* discovered this. the mv is long, so it has two parts, but I get chills every time I watch the MV.



TODAY I will finish my math homework (Saturday night fail) & study chemmmm. lots and lots of chem. I promise I'll do it. promise.

(6 PM)

I really wish I never went, I wish I never encouraged you to go, and I wish this nonsense and hurt would just stop.

cherry-like roses

hmm, instead of my usual musing/reminiscing/emo posts, I thought I'd turn this blog into something a little more...lighthearted, shall we say? more daily, such. I write in too many other locations but I've always found myself coming backing to blogspot. esp. since lj/dw are both friends only, and I don't intend on making them public anytime soon. privacy is good, but it's always nice to know that your thoughts are open to someone, somewhere.

yesterday was a very, very happy friday.

• at lunch, Liana, Linda, Claire, Janet, Eliza, Kimberly and I congregated and talked. I walked over to Claire and put my arm around her. she smiled, then moved her head up and kissed my cheek. IT WAS THE FUNNIEST & SWEETEST THING EVER XD because I just went O_O at her and she doubled over laughing, and as the !news! spread, the group of girls just turned into one big giggly group of people laughing and hugging one another. "aww! she's blushing!" :] ♥
• Linda's a gangster. HEHE. I'm not going to let that one go. hahaha.
• 46/50 on an econ test that everyone said was really hard. totally made my 4:00 PM so much more enjoyable, especially since I was staying late at school.
• I got tailed on the way home. that was NOT fun. I called Eliza to look busy, but it was still really dumb and I walked super fast to get away ;___;
  

sometimes I really wish I could just bottle up all of this happiness and laughter and bubbliness, and just let it out for a few minutes each morning before I leave for school, so I could start every day on the right foot.

and today. I don't want to talk about today. dang you SAT IIs. three in one day really makes me lose my work ethic, which is really not cool! but it's time to do math homeworkkkk so I don't turn into a puddle of mush. oh. and then chem. btw, the header is temporary -___- I know it looks super lame right now and I promise I'll change it...eventually. time to work! aza aza fighting, over and out.

work ethic, don't fail me now.

to do list. I WILL ACCOMPLISH THIS ALL BEFORE 12 AM TONIGHT :]

• study econ (finish both chapters, go over reviews, do mock test)
  
• finish math review packet (6 AP problems)
  
• study apes (review notes & study guide, some bookwork)
  
• finish french exercise C + five interrogative questions
  

I'll probably not accomplish this. BUT I WILL. And I will have leftover time for other endeavors.



GO! ;_;

too tired to think of one

It never fails to amaze me how high school students who grew up in the United States and have lived here all their lives have obviously gone through eleven years of public/private schooling and learned absolutely nothing. How to read a Dick and Jane book. How to write their names. How to color inside the lines. Noun. Verb. Adjective. One and three make four. The capital of New Jersey is Trenton.

But you're a high school senior and you don't know what the word "isolation" means?

For "pagoda" (whom some seniors deemed a "tree")　Ｉ should be more forgiving because, well, I'm Asian, it's second nature to me, and pagoda does indeed sound like a tree. It's still a word you should know. But isolation? You have gone through eleven years of schooling and not once encountered this word? Or, if you did, were you simply too lazy to look this word up? How can you possibly get past even the first question on the critical reading section of the SAT with that scope of vocabulary?

How can you live your life like this?

through the kaleidoscope

If you were here, I would watch the meteor shower with you, beneath the burning streetlights and the soft white terrain of the moon. On board the shooting star, I want to show you the way to an infinite tomorrow where you hold your heart in mine.

One of twenty

Survey question of the day:


1. Who was your first crush?

mmm. I don't really remember. As weird as this might sound, I love reminiscing about them, about foolish, impulsive love (which I still fall for, even as time goes on), but of course, they're only crushes and nothing more. I had no interest in boys in elementary school. No crushes, no likes, no nothing. I read American Girl books that told me it was around now that my hormones should make me "start seeing boys in a new light" but I felt none of that. I thought I never would, and what a thought.

I'm 99% sure it was some time during middle school, but I don't really remember who. It was probably really, really small. I had one boy who liked me when I was small, but I think it was an elementary form of infatuation. He picked me flowers and said I love you, but the whole time I never returned it, just smiled secretly and said "okay". I think I was just watching in satisfaction and happy with the fact that someone liked me. I was only seven years old!

Hmm. Maybe Elizabeth remembers. Or Jenny.

Boys are complicated beings to understand, as girls are.

we begin to wonder why

❝Fearless is having the courage to say goodbye to someone who only hurts you, even if you can’t breathe without them.❞

The correlation of salvation and love.

I am a very formulaic person. I used to make goals and to-do lists, and not accomplishing them was out of the question. They got done, period, in the time increments that I set for myself. Procrastination happened, but it was infrequent and I could still accomplish all of the tasks I needed to get done in the amount of time before bedtime.

But now, I find myself staring blankly into space at 12:00 AM, staring emptily at my to-do list, staring indifferently at my homework assignments, not studying hard enough -- and I want to hit myself, I want to wake myself up, make myself work, but I don't know why I'm losing it. Procrastination is getting the better of me, internet distractions are consuming me, and sometimes I just feel so lost and confused. Why did I undergo this kind of change? What was the catalyst for this transformation? And why, all of a sudden, did I lose my drive?

I'm losing my work ethic. If that's isn't obvious enough. I started losing it at the beginning of junior year, and I really regret not doing better. I could have gotten all the grades that I wanted if I had just pushed myself to that distance. I didn't have far to go. If I had just done a little more, put in just a bit more effort -- my grades would have been where I wanted them to be.

To say that I will work harder here is hypocritical -- writing blog posts is a distraction and not part of schoolwork, so it's technically drawing me away from my work. But I'll say it anyway:

I'll work harder.

台灣 我好想你

You know what I really miss?

I really, really miss Taiwan 飲料 T^T 寒天, 黑松, 紅茶, 速跑... American drinks suck. I really miss Taiwan ones.




omg crying @_@ this looks so good

I remember walking to the 全家 or 7-Eleven right outside my grandma's house at 11 pm at night and buying one of these to drink before bed. In the morning, I'd drink 紅茶 and eat 飯團 or something like that.

I really miss the food, too T-T it's like the best thing in the world... shrimp pancakes and noodles and 阿給 and ba wan and 鐵板燒 and 玉米 and 花生 and 刨冰 and ahh so much more @_@ again, American food sucks. My mom bought 玉米 a few days ago, and it's pretty good, but it sucks compared to Taiwan corn...

and on that note, I FRICKIN' MISS MY AID FRIENDS



帶我會去!!

Saying goodbye.

My brother posted about this already. Not long after I saw the post, I realized how much better it would be for me to post about it too. I need to let it out somewhere. This is rather short, and hopefully will be updated later, as I have a pile of homework glaring at me from my desk, and I'd rather not have it glare any more.

My dad took off for Taiwan this afternoon. He won't be back until February, if at all. He's not coming home for Thanksgiving, or Christmas.

On the way there, I promised myself on the car that I would not cry. When we sent him off at the gate, I held it in. Our family friends, my cousin who took us to the airport, my mother and my brother and me all waved goodbye. We all tiptoed and ran all along the terminal, we looked like such idiots, looking for a last glimpse of my dad before he disappeared inside the gate. As I watched him go in, I felt tears welling up inside, but I pushed them down into my stomach with as much willpower as I could muster. My mother and brother held it in too. Everyone did. But I could feel the tension in the air, and I felt the impending storm.

As we headed to the escalator, ready to go down to the parking garage, I saw one of our friends hug my brother. Confused, I pulled him gently towards me, turned him around, and saw that he was crying. "Are you crying?" I asked incredulously. What a stupid, asinine, pointless question that was. Of course he was. My mother saw his face and just crumpled. She lost it, completely broke down into tears, pulled my brother to her, and started crying on him like I had never seen her cry.

I sighed. Damn it, I thought. I can't cry now. I'm the only one who's not. As I pulled both of them towards me, shushing them and telling them everything would be okay, I felt tears welling in my own eyes. I tried to hold them back, but I overflowed, just a little bit. Eventually both of them regained composure, and we headed down to the parking garage.

In the hallway to the parking garage, I purposely walked ahead of everyone. I felt something coming, and I knew I would end up breaking my promise. It was on the escalator that I broke down. I started crying so hard, I could physically feel my eyes puffing up on my face. I wiped my tears away silently, and my mother, cousin and brother, who were walking behind me, didn't notice. Or if they did, they didn't point it out.

When we came home, my other cousin and my aunt came bearing food to our house. I love my extended family, I really do. They left about two hours ago. But even with their company and their support, I am still in aftershock. I am constantly checking the EVA Air website to check the flight status, even though I know my dad won't be landing for another six hours. But it gives me an eerie sort of comfort, like that flight time and arrival and departure are my connections to him.

I really, really miss my dad. I want him to come home. I miss him, and he's not even there yet.

kurufu tofu!

I'm back.
So much has been going on, and I regret not writing it all down. I really do.
I mean,

journo drama; man, we editors-in-chief live hard lives. Not only do we take responsibility for everything that happens on the staff, but we also work our butts off behind the scenes. I guess that's what teachers feel like when students approach them to have grades changed, and I regret not seeing this when I was a staff writer. There are the good days when the staff are following our directions, no one outside of journo is taking our food, people aren't asking the same questions over and over again, and I am happy. There are the bad days when I want to sit in a corner and cry because of the stress and everything seems to be going wrong, but I know Janet will be annoyed at me for wallowing in myself so I don't. There have been days when we've held on tightly to each other, and yes I have cried on her before, but we make it through this together.

In a nutshell:

• The Columbia Scholastic Press Association Award. Congratulations to EiCs 2009 ♥
• Adobe InDesign CS4. We (or Janet) finally got it to work on all the computers, and we have enough licenses for our own personal use as well.
• First journo party on Friday. People not in journo were taking food. I yelled. The party broke up fast.
  
• Joel dislikes our redesign.
  

homecoming drama; This is a long story. I just wish the whole thing didn't happen. James did ask Joyce in a very adorable way, though -- with a rose in a tree. Teehee, it was really cute! The dance aside, WE WON HOMECOMING, WUUUUUUUT ♥ It's a first for Leland, one class winning two years in a row :D

college; I'm torn between being excited for college and worrying about it and whether or not I'll get in. But what good will worrying do? Might as well enjoy this year to the fullest, finish it strong, and think about college after I'm done :)

friendship; I am grateful for all of my friends. I've grown closer to a lot of them, and I am happy for that. With some, I've grown apart, but I do my best not to have that happen. Elizabeth and I are still very much married and happy and alive and :) I give thanks for her every day, and not an afternoon goes by when I don't miss her. And we're seriously always together. If you find me during lunch, you'll always find her with me, and vice versa.

family lala; my daddy is moving to taiwan in about two weeks. long story for later on.

FOOTBALL; Man, I just started following the football scene, and I still don't get it, because it seriously just looks like men trying to kill each other and pigpile every few yardlines or so, but I LOVE WATCHING THE GAMES :) For the record, Cal got owned by USC today :(

Lastly, a small note to leave you all on. What an adorable MLIA;

Today, my boyfriend came dancing into the kitchen singing my name over and over, just as I was preparing to leave for work. He saw me, blushed and said "Oh, you're still here". Made my day. MLIA

:) that put a big smile on my face when I read it.
good evening to you all, and good night ♥

tired of believing in you

In-class rallies are a grand, grand waste of time. I would not go to them if I had a choice, but no, here, even the quietest students are forced to attend this event. It's "spirit", fine -- but I disagree that spirit is necessary for a school to function properly. We come here for our schooling; er, hence the name? not for some forty-five minute bleacher time-out in which cheerleaders in too short shorts and football players who have intentions of blasting my ears out attempt to rally us to yell and scream, and basically, jump on the stupid bandwagon. If I need that, I know where to find it. I don't need the school to provide anything for me beside a desk and a chair. I would venture as far as to say that spirit weeks are a waste of time and grossly overblown, but some of them are most entertaining, so I'm not complaining. But I despise the incessant horn-blowing during class periods and the general hype. It's all just...so superficial.

Get it right, Leland.

On the other hand, I am le tired of grading articles. It's only the beginning, too. Janet and I have both been crabby these past few days from all the unhappiness that comes with EiC status in Journo.

But I'm convinced we can do this.

小酒窩

I'm not scared anymore.

I'm no longer frightened of moving forward, of executing my dreams exactly the way I want them to be. I just had one of the most heartwarming, moving talks with my mother -- and I've never, ever cried during one of these talks. Tonight, I couldn't even keep the tears inside.

So how do these two relate?
My mother proved to me that dreams come true -- as cliche as that might sound, they do. And I'm not scared anymore. I plan to keep moving forward, to fulfill my dreams...and as a result, fulfill hers.

If this post does not make sense I am sorry.
It's okay.

I'd like to make myself believe.

Today as I rounded the corner to my Chinese school classroom I ran smack into him. I was only a few inches away from him and close to crashing straight into him if I'd walked a little faster. When we made instant eye contact I froze and I felt my eyebrows furrow. He hesitated, as if he didn't know what to do, but managed a weak smile and waved at me. But I, I didn't smile. I gave him a look that mixed confusion with anger, but I didn't wave back or say anything. I walked past him and around the corner, and we went our separate ways again.

What the heck is wrong with me? Or am I going through a spell? Why do I even care? Why does this bother me, that we're no longer talking, no longer communicating, no longer...friends? It's me who refuses to make the communication, who refuses to forgive him, who refuses to acknowledge him when he attempts to reach out to me and mend his wrongs. I only push him away, and with good reason. But it hurts.

I don't like being pushed around, and when people said I shouldn't have forgiven him so easily, I checked myself and asked whether or not it was something worth forgiving. So when he didn't ask me, I decided that it was time I stopped letting him push me around, and I became angry again. So now, I refuse all branches of communication, and...what now?

If he wants to talk, it is his, and only his, responsibility to call me, IM me, or literally just pull me aside at school and insist on talking to me. It's his duty to open his mouth first. That's the only way that I can prove to myself that he values my friendship enough to want it back. If he makes the effort to do so, I'll speak to him. I'll work it out the best I can, but I'm not going to be the one to apologize, I'm not going to be the one with explanations. Those are all things he must provide to me. After all, he was the one who gave me reason to end this friendship. And I could have, if I really had wanted to. But I can't. It hurts too much, I know him too well, to just throw it away on a whim.

If not, well,

..then I guess we end here.

Understand that I never imagined myself terminating our friendship. We've known each other for too long, and seriously, you're my best friend. You understand me better than anyone save Elizabeth, and I know you too well to even take you seriously for your wrongdoing. Unless there's a side of you that you've hidden very well from everyone, you are the person I know you as. There are no adjectives to describe you. You're merely you. But the you I know is my best friend. You've helped me through tearful nights where I could only choke out a few words between sobs. You've supported me through my first relationship, which ended on a sour note. You've gone on long walks with me, where we've just talked about life. I have listened to you convey your deepest fears and thoughts and frustrations to me. We've hugged each other and helped each other through hard times and through happy times. You have the power to make me feel frustrated, sad, and happy -- all together, or perhaps all within a few seconds of each other.

After all we've been through, I really, really don't want to lose you. But if I really have to, I will have no choice. Please don't make me do this. For I assure you, I will hurt as much as you do.

planet Earth turns slowly

I am so obsessed with Owl City right now. I think Fireflies is my new favorite song...I like it better than The Saltwater Room, which I originally thought was their best song. I feel like I'd die blissful listening to their music, it's that amazing. It's also a great remedy from this ridiculous heat...it was 102 degrees at its peak when I walked home today. I thought I was going to faint on the sidewalk x_x

--

We don't talk anymore. We just...don't communicate, don't IM, don't talk, don't call each other, period. We don't make eye contact when I make my way over to the group table during sixth period to say hello to my friends there. He leaves without a word to me, and I don't acknowledge his presence when I'm by the table.

Friends. Are we even, anymore? I'd like to make myself believe so, because it still hurts, just seeing him every day. It's been a full two weeks, but I can't stop hurting so soon. I sense some sort of conflict between us that neither of us is willing to acknowledge, and I promise I'm not going to be the one to cede. What he did to me within the span of a week is unforgivable. He should be pretty grateful that I haven't told many people what he did. Those I told were angry, and gave him an earful whenever they saw him around campus. I'm very sure that if I told my parents, they'd never let him set foot in our house again. I forgave him that day, but only out of pity. I don't think I forgive him at all in my heart.

And now this. ugh, why do I even bother caring? I understand that perhaps, you two play better together. But just asking me would have been appreciated. You didn't even bother. And that...that makes me so angry.

Yesterday after sixth period, he asked me the question that I had been waiting for, and I was too angry at him to even try replying. I didn't want to speak to him, so I diverted my eyes from his face, picked my calc book up, and told Dexter I was going home. As I turned to leave, he grabbed my arm, and his voice said "Stay." I listen to Dexter when he uses that tone of voice, so I lingered behind.

But for the remainder of the night, I couldn't get his facial expression out of my mind. When I finally made eye contact with him when he posed the question to me, I remembered that he looked...upset. He looked sad. Unhappy. His face had an exhausted, drained look to it, and I just...didn't understand. And then I thought back to this past week -- and I realized that each time I'd seen him, he'd looked unhappy. Me? I'm still my laughy and energetic self around everyone, but not him -- he's no longer the same person I remember. And around him, I do not smile, or laugh, or speak unless I'm spoken to.

Today during lunch, I noticed him cast a sidelong glance at me as I walked past with Elizabeth. Obviously, I ignored it. Then, as I walked past the bank on my way back from the outskirts of the campus, I noticed him cast another sidelong glance at me. Again, I held my head a little higher, and hurried past without a word or eye contact. I promised myself not to make any more eye contact, but I couldn't help wondering what on earth he's thinking of.

When we're apart, whatever are you thinking of?

Think long and hard about what you've done. Have you ever, for anyone? Maybe I don't know you well enough, and you're just still caught up in nostalgia from the past month. If so, then so be it. I don't know what to think of you anymore, except that I've never hated you in my entire life...do I now? I need to ask myself this question, long and hard. I don't forgive you, but I try not to hate, either.

In the meantime, I still hold my head high. I don't need your false sympathy and compassion to make myself feel better about myself.

o-nah

Uh, uh, wow. I, um. Wow.

I HATE YOU.

What a positive, positive blog this is. lkfsj I hate you. I have been searching for a reason to do so, and I finally found it. Way to ask me, way to do it after you've already found another partner. Do you ever take the feelings and emotions of your friends into consideration, let alone towards me, even a few months before? In anon's words, you need to grow up. Have you been so sheltered for so long that you no longer know how to treat others?

It is then reasonable to say that I'm just waiting to go to college, so I can allow my heart and my soul to recuperate from the damage.

Love you forever, forever is so far.

As much as I would love to take your explanation, and as much as I felt I believed you and forgave you Sunday night -- I don't feel like I do anymore. It's horrible, how I can just take these things back...forgiveness, faith, and hope. But I was in shock and I hated to see you hurting and groveling and begging me to forgive you and I just...pitied you. Am I being pretentious? No, I'm not. You did beg for forgiveness. But now, I'm just not so sure.

The truth is, though, we're just not the same anymore. We're really just passed a point of no return, or should I say, you have. I know you too well to know you would ever do something like that to me. I've known you for too long, too well...you wouldn't, you simply wouldn't. It's amazing...my friends were more angry than I was over this mess, and they yelled at you over this while I remained silently in the shadows, wanting to be angry, but without the fire to fuel it. There's never been any instance where Elizabeth yelled at you for something and called you stupid for doing it, and I didn't. The fact is, I just didn't have the heart to do it on Sunday.

What about now?

I did hit you. On the shoulder. I was angry. Irrational. When I flipped open my phone, put it on speakerphone, and demanded you explain, you laughed. I was ready to kill you for one split second, but my anger came out in the form of a slap, and after that, I just turned away. And I don't regret that, because you deserved that. You agree with me, so the case is closed.

Are we okay? I'm not sure. Do I forgive you? Definitely not completely. But for now, wait it out and prove your faith back to me. In other words, win my friendship and my trust back. I'm not letting you have it free of charge this time.

hiyaah

I am not a dorkface for learning the dance :{ I HAVE THE FIRST PART DOWN. haha I fail at wasting time.

a moment of respite, monsieur

I am frustrated. At who, I don't know. Maybe I do but I'm not sure?

All I want is to stop feeling this way. What is "this way?" I feel like I'm chronically sad, I always feel empty on the inside, I'm just...not happy. It's getting in the way of my day-to-day living, my emotions, my work, my life. I can't concentrate on homework anymore. I feel weaker now; I feel tired often, and sleep a lot more. But again, I am only frustrated. I am not angry. For the first time, I held it in, forced myself to act as if nothing was wrong, and finally pushed it so deep inside that I don't even feel it anymore.

Despite that, whoever's meddling with me should not have this kind of power.

a room of lilies

Interesting interesting.

I miss,
Emily Chang
Ariel Chen
Vickie Huang
Gordon Wu
Thomas Lee
Richard Leong
Lee-Wei Kao

:(

I wrote poetry on your visage

Today, I closed my eyes. My four friends chatted happily around me at the station. And no one noticed when tears started welling in my eyes. It wasn't until we all got on the lightrail and Tiff put her arm around me that she asked me if I was mad. And I put my head on my bag and the tears that had stopped came again. I cried harder than I've cried in a long time.

My mom was hurt because I'd snapped at her last night. In the morning, she was kinder than usual, but my mood didn't do itself credit. I snapped at my parents in the morning too, and was in a very foul mood. In the afternoon, I checked my phone and my dad had left me a voicemail, asking if I was okay, if I needed to talk, if something was wrong. I called him back, apologized for the morning, and everything was fine now. Then he told me my mom was going to the doctor later that day because she wasn't feeling well. I don't know why that hit such a nerve, but tears just started flowing down my cheeks when he said that. Then I called my mom, and she sounded fine. I told her when I was coming home, then hung up. I put my head in my hands, but no one noticed, since I just looked really tired.

I think I need to stop feeling like this.

dreams and faraway endeavors

Tell yourself you can do this.
Then just go, go, go.

I used to be love drunk, now I'm hung over.

I think you are such a fool. Has a certain something dulled your senses, or were you always like this? I'm literally counting the days until your very unreal fantasy melts down to what it froze within to begin with -- a plethora of foolish and make-believe promises that will not be kept.
___

I am not here. I will not be. I promised myself I wouldn't be. But the temptation is enormous. And sometimes I question whether or not what has been asked of me is... just too much for me to handle. But I promised myself I would do this. This is what I want. If I want it bad enough, I'll do what it takes to get what I want. So why, why not?

I don't understand why I don't want anyone to understand what I'm doing. I think I'm just scared of not achieving it and appearing foolish, appearing like I, too, was floating around in some fantasy that I couldn't achieve in the end. It's not the same thing. I'm playing such a different game, and with no one else except myself, my grades, and my future.

So why, why not?

yoochun, why are you so cute

NOOOOOO. I am not in love with them. gaslkdjfl;k not during summer when I'm supposed to be studying, darnit.

당신을 사랑합니다

I let go of my unhappiness because I have to.
There's no other way I can achieve my dreams.
It amazes me how two dreams can contrast each other so sharply, so...unhappily.

곧 집에 오실.

whatever are you thinking of

Norris: how's everyone?
Karen: Everyone's doing fine.

But you left someone out in that "everyone." Everyone, except me.

I don't understand why I'm so unhappy. I think there's something inside me that just won't let go. By let go, I mean of some fundamental concept, idea or principle that's holding me back from being the person I want to be. I only make myself all the more upset in the end.

I also promised myself I wouldn't do this. I promised myself I wouldn't burden him with my unhappiness, if there was any, while he was over there and make him worry. I kept telling him to leave because I knew he had to go eat/do something. But he didn't. He stayed, and listened to me cry to him through my words. While I'm so grateful that even though he's four thousand miles away, he's willing to take time away from his trip to stay with me in the only way he can (online), I told myself I wouldn't do this. And I hate myself for doing this. I tried so hard in the past few days to hold it back, but tonight, when I only typed a simple "bye," he sensed something was wrong, and pressed me to tell him what was on my mind. The barrier broke and everything spilled out.

The first thing he asked me was what. And I...I can't answer that straight. I'm stressed with work, with friends, with being away from him, with my family, with myself, with so many other things. Such a rough and vague outline. But I could go for pages and pages about all these things. Most of it, you'll find, is my own fault and my own doing. I didn't tell him. And now that I think about it, that's just so...ugh.

Promises are promises. I broke one that I swore to keep tonight. I'm so good at breaking promises. To my friends, my boyfriend, my parents, and to everyone who loves me. Why? Why can't I stop doing this? I'm only hurting people even more by pushing them away. He wanted to stay and listen, but I didn't want to hold him back. I don't stop to consider the fact that he may want to hear. All I can see is that he is having so much fun, and me -- well, I'm just bitter. Bitterly unhappy.

Why am I crying? What's the purpose of my tears? The reason? The unhappiness behind their glazed, ice-coloured pupils? I really don't want to understand anymore. I think I made a situation worse than it was to begin with tonight. I don't want to understand why I feel like this. There's something wrong with me. But I don't want to, don't know how, and just...don't fix it.

Oh Karen, why can't you let go?

listless paper, like wilted flowers

I apologize.
I promised you I wouldn't hold anything against you. I told you that you were free to do what you liked with them. And more than that, I made myself promise myself that I wouldn't get mad at you for that.

My endeavors tend to shoot up in flames when I don't watch myself. But my God, I miss you so much. I can't go a day without thinking about you. Eliza and Tiff wondered why I was so irrevocably quiet during intern today, and both attempted to make me talk. I'm never quiet. I'm always the loudest of us three.

But without you, I feel so empty.

I am sorry.

burning beneath the stars

I have run out of anger.

I can't be anymore. I'm so tired. I think I've run out of sorrow, too. This whole fiasco is actually not that big of a deal. I think I overblew it in my mind. And there's no use being angry anymore, because the people involved aren't even people I know or care about in the least bit.

Last night, I came home at 6:30. I was tired, burnt out from a ridiculously tiring week, and most of all, upset over the events of the day. And what I saw at home wasn't what I needed to see...at all. In my heart, I cried myself to sleep at just 9 o'clock. I was exhausted, mellow, and upset, all at the same time. And I dreamed such tumultuous dreams last night. I woke up confused, still tired, and with a heavy heart. And this afternoon, when I came home from Davis, I penned a huge email to Eliza and poured my heart out to her. I told her everything that was on my mind, told her about my dreams, my frustration, my tears, my anger, my hurt, and my heart. I told her I was sorry for putting all of my troubles on her, but after all, she's the only one who will understand.

The people who hurt me don't even know who I am. I don't even know who they are. What they did and what they said made my eyes well over with tears. But the fact still stands -- we don't know each other, so whatever they do is none of my business -- unless they pose a threat to someone or something that I hold dear to my heart. I feel the impending storm, but the clouds aren't even here yet.

So why am I so angry? Why am I so frustrated, so exhausted, so sad, and just so...tumultuously unhappy? I hurt, so much, and I don't know how to get rid of it.

love like insomnia

I've been excessively lazy for the past few days. There's been no incentive for me to work, even the one that I've had at the back of my head for ages. I'm done with The Color Purple, but I still need to cram for a lot of other things -- Omnivore's Dilemma for APES, the chemistry/bio review, also for APES, SAT I & IIs (retakes), and French homework, which I'm still not too sure on what to do. x_x It's not that bad, but then there's piano, college essays & applications, and guh. I don't want to think any further. I actually don't have that much time left, and I'm just beating myself up for not studying enough. I have intern four days a week, and I'm always dead tired when I come home.

I need to work harder.

On the positive side, about 70% of the vocabulary words that I studied appeared on the SAT practice test I took at home today, which gives me an even bigger incentive to study out of that book. Score :)

commas aren't my cup of tea

Dear you,
For my sake I hope you're reading number one today. It's long but I hope it's meaningful.
Today while I was in Berkeley I thought of you. Not that I don't think of you every day though, because every day, I miss you a little more. On the bart before I fell asleep at San Bruno station, on the tour by the six Nobel Laureate parking spots when I heard Campanile Tower strike (is that how you spell it?) eleven, during the admissions presentation in that petite auditorium, and when I got home and Dexter called me to borrow my glow-in-the-dark sunglasses. It wasn't until he and James came over and sat on my driveway for a while and chatted that I realized how empty summer feels without you.

There are so many opportunities to mess up right now, for both you and me. What more can I say then, except that I'm so so glad we had that talk before you left about breaking up. Even if something does end up coming between us you'll always wind up as my best friend. You're someone who listens to me when I need to talk, someone who holds me close when I cry, someone who comes to find me to spend time with me, someone who knows what I need to live, laugh, and love.

It just makes so much sense, doesn't it? I remember we discussed this. If you find someone who you think is better suited for you than me, you tell me first. And if I agree with you, I'll let you go. If I don't agree with you I'll tell you, and I'll let you make your own decision, putting faith in that you'll make the right decision in the end even if it's just as a platonic friend. The same goes for me if I meet someone new, and the rest is history.

I don't know if I'm just being a fool or if this really is what the nature of our relationship is. Not many people know the full history, so no one can say they understand us in and out. I've read so many stories about these couples -- who are couples, but end up breaking up, and becoming friends, but not just friends. It's so complicated to understand and I don't know if we're one of those.

It's also 1:43 AM now and I feel tired. You're always telling me to sleep when I'm tired and I always refuse you and then the two of us end up talking online for another three or so hours until we both get tired and need to sleep. And there are the nights when you call me at 11 and I hang up the phone at 3:30. I love those nights. I'm so dead tired the next day but the talks that we have are meaningful and they make me feel like I understand you and me a little better every time. I remember the first night we had one of those. Over the phone you said at that very moment you wanted to see me and hug me. It made me happy to know that somewhere out there someone was thinking of me.

So hopefully you know that somewhere out there someone is thinking of you too. She misses you every day and hopes you enjoy what she prepared for you and the three weeks yet to come. And she wants you to know that she loves you no matter what happens.

Love,
me

ton chanson, mon amour

My, my.

Such a novel idea.

I didn't think it'd actually become reality.

But I now see that it can become reality.

I'd be leaving so much of everything I love behind.

Am I willing?

...Not very sure.

I want this opportunity.

But I know it won't be easy.

I don't even know when it'll be time to let go.

Only time will tell.

our world, it's messed.

The post:

❝ i hate you. you’re a fake bitch. you can’t act. GTFO of the music business. no one wants you there. YOU DISS MICHAEL JACKSON ON THE DAY OF HIS MEMORIAL? you have issues. stop going for indie/”scene” bands. you are not scene. do not claim or try to be scene. it doesn’t make you cool. go suck mickey mouse’s dick like you’re paid to do. jfc stop wearing so much makeup and fake eyebrows. you’re 16 not 25. DRESS YOUR AGE. you have some just as bad pictures as miley WHY DON’T YOU GET SHIT HUH BITCH? I HATE YOU’RE FUCKING GUTS. you and your dumb butt chin can go cut yourself again and make the world a better place. fuck you.

& the thread.

Hoho. YOU SPELLED "YOUR" as "YOU'RE." YOU SHOULD BE THROWN IN A VAT OF HAWT LAVAAAAAA okay, not the point.

I was originally really fired up to write this post but I think the adrenaline died down a little bit. A fifteen-year-old hating on Demi Lovato is the perfect way to spend a Tuesday night, immersed in the world that is tumblr drama. The thread made me smile when I read it. It makes me wonder how people can argue over something so...the word is, pointless. You don't know this girl. And she doesn't know you either. What's the point of arguing over who's "voicing opinions" or who has a right to write what on whose blog? Life is too precious and too beautiful to pick at something as trivial as this. So why not...end the conversation, stop reblogging each other, make your tumblelogs both look nicer, and...go and drink a cup of coffee and have a nice long talk with your mother -- whom I bet is lonely, since you're always holed up in your room, rapid-firing insults at a person you don't even know and arguing over a person who doesn't know or care that you exist.

idk, I thought this was worth writing about, though I didn't say much. Back to browsing phones @ 12:30 AM. Goodnight!

Take it or leave it.

So, this afternoon, my parents took me aside and talked about yesterday night. I didn't leave my room for the full four hours after dinner while they were here. I didn't even eat dinner with them, but that's because I had no seat, no one invited me to sit, and I felt unwelcome, so I retreated to my room. They weren't mad, just concerned.

The way I see it, I have no freaking choice. I live here, and the only place where I can get a spot of privacy is my room. And because this family is just not normal, being under an obligation to entertain them, when they're in my house but not technically my guests, leaves me no choice but to lock myself in my room and pretend they don't exist. I wasn't completely impolite, because I did come out of my room to say hello to her parents when they first arrived, which, as my parents put it, come first in line.

I hate the fact that my parents assume that if they get along with other parents, their kids should automatically get along. Unfortunately, this is usually true, but in this rare exception, not in this case.

My parents say this is going to hurt me in the future...that it's "my loss." Maybe it will. And if it does, well, that's the way I choose to take it. But at the same time, I choose who I associate with, and unless I'm forced to associate pleasantly with those I'm not pleased with, like in the office, in class, which I will take with as much patience as I can muster -- outside of those circumstances, I reserve the right to separate myself from anyone I please. Just because you're in my house where I just happen to reside, doesn't mean I'm under any obligation to entertain you. I did not invite you -- my parents invited yours, and you came along. For this particular family, I have a personal vendetta, and I'm not interested in associating with a girl like her. Just, no. I'm not interested, and if you're in my house, fine, but I am under no obligation to see to it that you are well-entertained while you are simply forced to be here. Honestly, you think I like hiding in my room for 5 freaking solid hours just to avoid you?

Think again.

Common courtesy is dead.

I usually tolerate people. Just people. I don't have any special patiences for anyone. In fact, one could say I have no patience for anyone. But I do tolerate people. Who doesn't? So why I fail to show even the most basic courtesies towards this family at my house right now, is beyond me.

They're eccentric. The parents are two of the weirdest people I've ever seen. At least the mother. But the kids...hoo, boy. There are four of them, and the first three are girls. Big whammy. The oldest child is a year younger than me. When I first saw her for the second time since childbirth about a year ago, I had a great time. My parents came away and saw that we'd had fun, so they planned another get-together. Big mistake.

She got me on the subject of boyfriends, then, when I inquired about hers, she shushed me and said she didn't want to "discuss it in front of the kids." Who are you, Mrs. Archer? Hiding the monstrosities of society from delicate, young ears? The following conversation that ensued doesn't even need to be described in words -- I can act it out for you if you want, and if I feel up to it. But it was just so ridiculous that I concluded that I'd never want to associate with her again.

Their calls don't cease, though. It's always "want to do something July 4th?" "want to go biking? hiking? picnicking? jumping-off-a-cliff-ing?" GOD. Learn to stop where you're not wanted. I told my parents that the next time we got together with them, I am not joining them. They're not pleased with me, but I choose who I associate with, and they have no idea the kind of topics I'm stuck discussing when they're chatting happily around the dinner table. I'm not about to get into another sticky conversation with this girl, thank you. Even Taiwanese fangirls are less awkward than her. Ugh.