whatever are you thinking of

Norris: how's everyone?
Karen: Everyone's doing fine.

But you left someone out in that "everyone." Everyone, except me.

I don't understand why I'm so unhappy. I think there's something inside me that just won't let go. By let go, I mean of some fundamental concept, idea or principle that's holding me back from being the person I want to be. I only make myself all the more upset in the end.

I also promised myself I wouldn't do this. I promised myself I wouldn't burden him with my unhappiness, if there was any, while he was over there and make him worry. I kept telling him to leave because I knew he had to go eat/do something. But he didn't. He stayed, and listened to me cry to him through my words. While I'm so grateful that even though he's four thousand miles away, he's willing to take time away from his trip to stay with me in the only way he can (online), I told myself I wouldn't do this. And I hate myself for doing this. I tried so hard in the past few days to hold it back, but tonight, when I only typed a simple "bye," he sensed something was wrong, and pressed me to tell him what was on my mind. The barrier broke and everything spilled out.

The first thing he asked me was what. And I...I can't answer that straight. I'm stressed with work, with friends, with being away from him, with my family, with myself, with so many other things. Such a rough and vague outline. But I could go for pages and pages about all these things. Most of it, you'll find, is my own fault and my own doing. I didn't tell him. And now that I think about it, that's just so...ugh.

Promises are promises. I broke one that I swore to keep tonight. I'm so good at breaking promises. To my friends, my boyfriend, my parents, and to everyone who loves me. Why? Why can't I stop doing this? I'm only hurting people even more by pushing them away. He wanted to stay and listen, but I didn't want to hold him back. I don't stop to consider the fact that he may want to hear. All I can see is that he is having so much fun, and me -- well, I'm just bitter. Bitterly unhappy.

Why am I crying? What's the purpose of my tears? The reason? The unhappiness behind their glazed, ice-coloured pupils? I really don't want to understand anymore. I think I made a situation worse than it was to begin with tonight. I don't want to understand why I feel like this. There's something wrong with me. But I don't want to, don't know how, and just...don't fix it.

Oh Karen, why can't you let go?