I feel numb.
That is all.
And that is everything.
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Saturday, February 21, 2009
I am so tired.
I am tired of this drama. I am tired of the characters of this drama, except one. I am tired of being dragged into this and not being able to open my mouth to any information I have, because each character of this drama is a rival of another.
I am tired of having my friend being bounced around from person to person. I am tired of people defending her in the wrong ways, tired of people hanging onto her like she's a lifeline. I am tired of each and every person coming to me and asking what's going on, and me not being able to say anything that I know. I am so tired, so sick, of watching this, and I don't know what to do. I want this settled, yet I know that's not possible. I can't leave this either, because half the participants are some of my best friends, and I will not stand to see them hurt.
This is more than a love triangle, it's a freaking decagon.
What the heck am I supposed to do?
I am tired of having my friend being bounced around from person to person. I am tired of people defending her in the wrong ways, tired of people hanging onto her like she's a lifeline. I am tired of each and every person coming to me and asking what's going on, and me not being able to say anything that I know. I am so tired, so sick, of watching this, and I don't know what to do. I want this settled, yet I know that's not possible. I can't leave this either, because half the participants are some of my best friends, and I will not stand to see them hurt.
This is more than a love triangle, it's a freaking decagon.
What the heck am I supposed to do?
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Foul mood.
As many people probably already know by now, I am in a horrible mood right now and anything that's even the slightest bit iffy is going to make me snap at you. But this has been pissing me off since 4:30 PM today, and I'm just going to write it once here:
You are not allowed to play mixed doubles, no, you have never been allowed to, and this season, no matter how much you argue with us, I will see to it that you do not play with her. She does not try when she plays, even though you say she does -- I think I can be the judge of that based on her movements on the court. Even if you think she does, I know she can do better, but she's not convincing me.
It disgusts me how you only want to play with her because you'll be varsity that way. Do you seriously not understand the fact that mixed is the hardest event to win, and we need your talents somewhere else, like boys doubles, instead of giving it up to a partner like her, who clearly would do better on junior varsity? Stop being so full of yourself. You are good, but there's always people better than you. I would imagine you'd be a great JV captain, under the highly improbable event that you do get bumped down there...but now that you've taken this kind of stance, I completely change my mind.
Coach Tran already said no, I say no, Norris says no, Katrina says no -- it's our judgement against yours, which no one else seems to agree on. You are not playing with her, and that is final.
You are not allowed to play mixed doubles, no, you have never been allowed to, and this season, no matter how much you argue with us, I will see to it that you do not play with her. She does not try when she plays, even though you say she does -- I think I can be the judge of that based on her movements on the court. Even if you think she does, I know she can do better, but she's not convincing me.
It disgusts me how you only want to play with her because you'll be varsity that way. Do you seriously not understand the fact that mixed is the hardest event to win, and we need your talents somewhere else, like boys doubles, instead of giving it up to a partner like her, who clearly would do better on junior varsity? Stop being so full of yourself. You are good, but there's always people better than you. I would imagine you'd be a great JV captain, under the highly improbable event that you do get bumped down there...but now that you've taken this kind of stance, I completely change my mind.
Coach Tran already said no, I say no, Norris says no, Katrina says no -- it's our judgement against yours, which no one else seems to agree on. You are not playing with her, and that is final.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Friends of friends.
I am tired of Project B. It's due in two weeks and I want 10 pages done by today. I have 6 and I doubt I can write four pages today, but I'll try. I'm just tired of working. I'm sick of Facebook too, since I go on it too much. I'm sick of my house because I didn't leave it for a full thirty six hours and I feel confined.
The only people I'm not sick of are my friends. It feels like an eternity since I've seen them and I MISS THEM.
I'll write later.
The only people I'm not sick of are my friends. It feels like an eternity since I've seen them and I MISS THEM.
I'll write later.
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Don't make a sound, keep your head down.
Wow, I don't think I've ever done two posts in a day before. I either edit the post before or I make a new one, depending on my mood.
I took another mock SAT test this afternoon and my score jumped up 130 points. I think maybe it was because I wasn't as sleepy as usual, when I take it in the mornings. It's in the 2000 range but still too low to satisfy me, so I'll keep quiet about it.
--#1--
It never fails to surprise me...was I really this asinine, this dumb, this immature when I was a freshman? Suppose I were a guy. I don't think I would have liked 4, 5 girls in the same month. Nor would I have asked 3 girls out consecutively, only because I got rejected by the first three. If I were you I wouldn't have dared to ask the prettiest freshman out on campus.
Okay, that's not the point. If you want to get yourself all wallowed in high school lovesick drama that's meant to be this complicated, that's your choice and I won't say anything until you fall down, "heartbroken" - and then I'll just laugh.
My brother comes home with these kinds of stories all the time, and I just have to say, it's freaking annoying. He updates me on the "drama" every day, and it's always about this one "friend" he has at school (I'll call him Person #1) who cut himself on the neck over a girl because she didn't return his "apology" note after he asked for her address.
..sorry, but WHAT, THE, FREAK?
--#2--
My friends and I had an argument about this in middle school, and I lost that argument because they said it was their own "style" and I had no right to complain about it, but ... I don't know about you guys, but it pisses me off when people type like this:
"cant w8! goin 2 da movies 2night to c da reader!! helluhh exciteddd, bcuz kAtRiNa is cumin 2!!!!!!! so txt meeeeeee plzzz [[[[[[="
Excuse me, but do you talk like this in real life? I should hope not. Would you ever dare to type like this in an email asking your teacher a question? You'd better not. I don't want to read it, or decipher whatever the heck you're trying to write, and that just turns me off for even wanted to approach you or talk to you. My friends used to type like this in middle school and I got really fed up with trying to read it all + the really obnoxious smilies with a thousand chins. I don't care if you do this if you're in a hurry, but I don't want to read it all the time. And I know this is really trivial, but I hate people who type like that.
There's this one person who friended me on facebook who types with hecka dots, like.............this.......... She's also very negative about everything, and it pisses me off when she IMs me and goes "hI~ how are yOu~" UGH. And when I don't respond, it's like "kArEN?!?!?!?! ^-^" HECKA ASIAN, BUT CAN YOU STOP PLEASE?
I'm done for now. I think my angst needs some time to settle down.
I took another mock SAT test this afternoon and my score jumped up 130 points. I think maybe it was because I wasn't as sleepy as usual, when I take it in the mornings. It's in the 2000 range but still too low to satisfy me, so I'll keep quiet about it.
--#1--
It never fails to surprise me...was I really this asinine, this dumb, this immature when I was a freshman? Suppose I were a guy. I don't think I would have liked 4, 5 girls in the same month. Nor would I have asked 3 girls out consecutively, only because I got rejected by the first three. If I were you I wouldn't have dared to ask the prettiest freshman out on campus.
Okay, that's not the point. If you want to get yourself all wallowed in high school lovesick drama that's meant to be this complicated, that's your choice and I won't say anything until you fall down, "heartbroken" - and then I'll just laugh.
My brother comes home with these kinds of stories all the time, and I just have to say, it's freaking annoying. He updates me on the "drama" every day, and it's always about this one "friend" he has at school (I'll call him Person #1) who cut himself on the neck over a girl because she didn't return his "apology" note after he asked for her address.
..sorry, but WHAT, THE, FREAK?
--#2--
My friends and I had an argument about this in middle school, and I lost that argument because they said it was their own "style" and I had no right to complain about it, but ... I don't know about you guys, but it pisses me off when people type like this:
"cant w8! goin 2 da movies 2night to c da reader!! helluhh exciteddd, bcuz kAtRiNa is cumin 2!!!!!!! so txt meeeeeee plzzz [[[[[[="
Excuse me, but do you talk like this in real life? I should hope not. Would you ever dare to type like this in an email asking your teacher a question? You'd better not. I don't want to read it, or decipher whatever the heck you're trying to write, and that just turns me off for even wanted to approach you or talk to you. My friends used to type like this in middle school and I got really fed up with trying to read it all + the really obnoxious smilies with a thousand chins. I don't care if you do this if you're in a hurry, but I don't want to read it all the time. And I know this is really trivial, but I hate people who type like that.
There's this one person who friended me on facebook who types with hecka dots, like.............this.......... She's also very negative about everything, and it pisses me off when she IMs me and goes "hI~ how are yOu~" UGH. And when I don't respond, it's like "kArEN?!?!?!?! ^-^" HECKA ASIAN, BUT CAN YOU STOP PLEASE?
I'm done for now. I think my angst needs some time to settle down.
Hit the ground, look around.
February really is hell. Juniors just got out of hell week and I'm surprised I got out of it alive...without my grades dropping all that much. My math grade keeps going up, thank goodness this semester is so much better than the last. I saw my APUSH grade and was really confused...because my grade shot up 14% with the midterm, but Kerwin took out the score and it's still the same...so I'm really confused. I think maybe Paulazzo messed up her class curve and the teachers have to redo it again. I feel bad for her but I wish she knew what she was doing; I can literally see the hate dancing in Kerwin's eyes sometimes :x
I think the only class I have to sacrifice for this semester is bio :\ I really don't think I can get it back up to an A by the end of the semester though I really would love it to. I've been trying harder but it just doesn't seem to work sometimes.
In other news, my emotions have been toying with me for a long time and I don't like that. I feel confused all the time now, and depressed. My friends have been going through ups and downs and I try to be with them the whole way, but it's really hard to do that sometimes. As for myself, I never share my real problems with my friends for fear I burden them. I'm willing to help them because their problems seem like I can help them out, but I hate sharing my problems because I'm always so scared I'll annoy my friends. As a result, not even my best friend knows "me" to a point. She knows me the best out of everyone else, but not "all".
There's also been a buttload of typical high school drama going around lately, every which way I turn, in x amount of cases. Both sides come to me for help so I can't help not being a part of it. It's difficult to cope with it, esp. because I have so much on my mind.
I think the only class I have to sacrifice for this semester is bio :\ I really don't think I can get it back up to an A by the end of the semester though I really would love it to. I've been trying harder but it just doesn't seem to work sometimes.
In other news, my emotions have been toying with me for a long time and I don't like that. I feel confused all the time now, and depressed. My friends have been going through ups and downs and I try to be with them the whole way, but it's really hard to do that sometimes. As for myself, I never share my real problems with my friends for fear I burden them. I'm willing to help them because their problems seem like I can help them out, but I hate sharing my problems because I'm always so scared I'll annoy my friends. As a result, not even my best friend knows "me" to a point. She knows me the best out of everyone else, but not "all".
There's also been a buttload of typical high school drama going around lately, every which way I turn, in x amount of cases. Both sides come to me for help so I can't help not being a part of it. It's difficult to cope with it, esp. because I have so much on my mind.
Saturday, February 7, 2009
Too early to say goodnight.
So today, while driving me to MLK, my dad brought up something I hadn't heard in a long time, and had almost forgotten; I literally jumped in my seat, then settled down and went... "oh, yeah..."
I never would have imagined that my dad wants to move our family back to Taiwan if he loses his job. It's not likely, and I say that with a fairly strong degree of confidence, but in the case it does happen, I never considered that we might have to.
Hm, and the whole day, I've been reflecting, pondering, mulling this. No one in my family opposes this arrangement, including me. It does make me a little shaky though. What if we do? That means I'm most likely not going to go to university in the US. Not to mention I'm leaving all of my friends here, the friends I grew up with and my four spouses (long story, ask another day, please) I have almost no friends back in Taiwan, and cousins don't count. My Taiwan cousins are all fobs (well norly) and that kind of makes me a teensy uneasy about moving back.
But anyway, that's besides the point. I never reconsidered this after my dad threw out a few job applications, but never got referred back. But now it's back...and this time, I wonder if it's actually going to happen? My thoughts are so jumbled and confusing...and all I can think about is what if it really does happen, and what will happen to the life I've created for myself here, the nooks and crannies and memories that make me who I am today?
I don't know. We'll wait and see.
I never would have imagined that my dad wants to move our family back to Taiwan if he loses his job. It's not likely, and I say that with a fairly strong degree of confidence, but in the case it does happen, I never considered that we might have to.
Hm, and the whole day, I've been reflecting, pondering, mulling this. No one in my family opposes this arrangement, including me. It does make me a little shaky though. What if we do? That means I'm most likely not going to go to university in the US. Not to mention I'm leaving all of my friends here, the friends I grew up with and my four spouses (long story, ask another day, please) I have almost no friends back in Taiwan, and cousins don't count. My Taiwan cousins are all fobs (well norly) and that kind of makes me a teensy uneasy about moving back.
But anyway, that's besides the point. I never reconsidered this after my dad threw out a few job applications, but never got referred back. But now it's back...and this time, I wonder if it's actually going to happen? My thoughts are so jumbled and confusing...and all I can think about is what if it really does happen, and what will happen to the life I've created for myself here, the nooks and crannies and memories that make me who I am today?
I don't know. We'll wait and see.
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