Saying goodbye.

My brother posted about this already. Not long after I saw the post, I realized how much better it would be for me to post about it too. I need to let it out somewhere. This is rather short, and hopefully will be updated later, as I have a pile of homework glaring at me from my desk, and I'd rather not have it glare any more.

My dad took off for Taiwan this afternoon. He won't be back until February, if at all. He's not coming home for Thanksgiving, or Christmas.

On the way there, I promised myself on the car that I would not cry. When we sent him off at the gate, I held it in. Our family friends, my cousin who took us to the airport, my mother and my brother and me all waved goodbye. We all tiptoed and ran all along the terminal, we looked like such idiots, looking for a last glimpse of my dad before he disappeared inside the gate. As I watched him go in, I felt tears welling up inside, but I pushed them down into my stomach with as much willpower as I could muster. My mother and brother held it in too. Everyone did. But I could feel the tension in the air, and I felt the impending storm.

As we headed to the escalator, ready to go down to the parking garage, I saw one of our friends hug my brother. Confused, I pulled him gently towards me, turned him around, and saw that he was crying. "Are you crying?" I asked incredulously. What a stupid, asinine, pointless question that was. Of course he was. My mother saw his face and just crumpled. She lost it, completely broke down into tears, pulled my brother to her, and started crying on him like I had never seen her cry.

I sighed. Damn it, I thought. I can't cry now. I'm the only one who's not. As I pulled both of them towards me, shushing them and telling them everything would be okay, I felt tears welling in my own eyes. I tried to hold them back, but I overflowed, just a little bit. Eventually both of them regained composure, and we headed down to the parking garage.

In the hallway to the parking garage, I purposely walked ahead of everyone. I felt something coming, and I knew I would end up breaking my promise. It was on the escalator that I broke down. I started crying so hard, I could physically feel my eyes puffing up on my face. I wiped my tears away silently, and my mother, cousin and brother, who were walking behind me, didn't notice. Or if they did, they didn't point it out.

When we came home, my other cousin and my aunt came bearing food to our house. I love my extended family, I really do. They left about two hours ago. But even with their company and their support, I am still in aftershock. I am constantly checking the EVA Air website to check the flight status, even though I know my dad won't be landing for another six hours. But it gives me an eerie sort of comfort, like that flight time and arrival and departure are my connections to him.

I really, really miss my dad. I want him to come home. I miss him, and he's not even there yet.