Let me show you the way to my heart.

When I came home from MLK today, after spending a very solid 6 or 7 hours holed up doing Project A and homework, my parents and I were talking around the dinner table. My dad finally spoke up and said

"Karen, why don't you just let loose more?"
"..What do you mean?"
"Like...forget about going to Berkeley. Let loose and relax."

I said I'd like to die if I didn't get in and my mom said well, what if you really don't?

I guess I'd die? Or hide in my room like a grasshopper and not come out for ninety days. Whichever one comes first.

Ugh, I hate my grades, I hate my personality, I hate my outlook on things. My dad said I take everything too easily and I think everything is easy. He says I've always been like that, and in reality it's not what I think it is. My mom said I need to study more and I need to budget time correctly in order to achieve what I want.

I know it's constructive criticism, but I just felt very tired and cranky and annoyed and I said, "I know it's not easy!", then took my backpack and went to my room and cried.

Why do I hate myself so much? Why, if I do, can I not get myself off of the stupid chair, slip a pencil in between my thumb and index finger, and move it back and forth to form the words of my assignments, in a quick and efficient fashion? Why can't I bring myself to ask questions during class, and end up stressing about what the actual assignment is at 8 PM at night, when everyone is pretty much done? Is it because I really don't care? But I do care! Why is it that my body, my hands, my brain...won't listen to me?!

So many unanswered questions. And I'm so tired tonight.