Please let me grow up faster.

What's the best way to describe today?

Let's start with the word traumatizing.

In the morning, my dad threatened to take away everything from me. Everything...if my grades didn't get back up to satisfaction. That made me upset.

In the afternoon, my mom picked a fight with me. She found out I was sleeping when I had homework to do and came screaming into my room. She threw my Scarlet Letter book down the hallway, grabbed me by the ankles and told me to go outside (Outside in our house means the living room). When I asked her to bring my book back, she told me to go get it. When I started to cry, she went down, picked up the book, and attempted to hit my ankles again. This time, I pulled away in time and the book just bounced onto the bed.

Then she sat down and told me I was ruining my life. I was ruining my life because my grades were dropping and I couldn't handle staying up late. She was working too hard for me and she wanted me to turn my life around. The whole time I was just curled in a little ball in the corner of my bed, crying. She screamed at me to sit up, but I couldn't and wouldn't. She finally left my room, saying "I'm telling your father to come home." She never called.

After an hour or so, she came back into my room and apologized. I didn't say anything. I just let the tears run down. I forgive her. I know she was angry. I know I stress her out. I know everything she said is true. I know it's my fault for ruining myself, but it's not her right to touch me. I forgive her, but not so we can be back to normal in just one night.

My parents try to make conversation with me now. But I don't talk to them. I don't say more than is absolutely necessary and I eat dinner and leave the table ten or fifteen minutes before everyone else. When my dad asks me a question I nod or shake my head. When my mom sits down at the table I scoot my chair two or three inches away from hers, closer to the window. I only talk to my brother, and he's like a messenger to my parents, I guess.

I'm done. I'm done.

I thought about ending a life today. Tears just welled up in my eyes spontaneously, or for the smallest things, like when I didn't get a math problem or I felt overwhelmed with homework all of a sudden. Why was I even born on Earth? I can't handle life.

It's hard to start junior year like this. It's hard for me to realize that I'm not actually a very good student, just very lucky. And now that I'm falling, it's much too hard to get up again.

God, I give up.