Christmastime

What a happy time this is supposed to be. I love this time of year...when the Christmas trees come out, silver bells and gold stars hang everywhere, wreaths and Christmas lights come out onto peoples' front porches...I just love the season.

It's too bad I can't enjoy it this year.

→ edit

Why can't I do this? This is too much for me. No. It is not too much. So why can't I motivate myself to work? My grades already make me cry when I see them. Why am I like this?

I had so much motivation to work in freshman & sophomore year. I did work without question. I finished early so I could go to bed early. I finished early so I would have more time to do things that I loved to do, like spend time with family.

Why can't I do that now? Now, I put things off until the last minute, taking my happy time first and then freaking out when I can't finish. When I do the work, I don't ever do it well anymore. Ever. And that's why my grades are falling so hard.

The UC & CSU budget cuts scare the heck out of me too. Next year, it's going to be even worse when we apply. I don't know what to do. I can't motivate myself to work, and I can't tell myself that homework always comes first, no matter what. I don't know what I'm thinking anymore.

Kristine tells me not to be so hard on myself. But I'm not being hard on myself...I just never do work like I used to anymore. I don't sleep, and so my brain can't function correctly. When I think I'm doing something the right way, it never comes out right anymore. And that's why something so easy for others...is becoming a burden to me.

I don't know what I'm talking about. This was supposed to be a short rant. But it's turning into a long one. Inside, I feel absolutely hysterical. I don't know what, when, why, how. My future is blurry. I don't even know if I have one.

What am I going to do?